


The Spin-Off fight   OR   Maybe there is a grain of truth in shipping pairings after all

by Cigarette_and_Gin



Category: Gintama
Genre: Comedy, Fluff and Humor, Idiots in Love, Kissing, Love, Making Out, Multi, Romance, Shipping Challenge AKA this is war over the best pair!, Spin-off fight, The last day of the anime, a bit of OtaeKondou... or not, gay kissing, it's a comedy love story, lot of Drama and theatric, relationship, talk nonsense, weekly updated
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-16
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-06-02 12:03:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 22,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6565408
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cigarette_and_Gin/pseuds/Cigarette_and_Gin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It is the last day of the anime, and all Gintoki wants is to engulf in this melancholic day, with all of his awesome fight recaps, when suddenly something unimaginable  happens.<br/>Otae tells them she is dating Kondo.<br/>What the fuck? How could this happen? Nobody believes them, but they deliberately stuck to their story, until all of them  fight over the best shipping pair!<br/>The honor of the Heroine and the Protagonist are at stake, so of course neither Kagura and Sougo, nor Gintoki and Hijikata wants to loose! An epic battle occurs. And maybe some other feelings resurface?<br/>Or something like that xD<br/>Ginhiji, Okikagu lots of nonsense, shouting, screaming, drama and maybe a bit OtaeKondo (but well… maybe not :D)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Otae's wrath, a haunted Shinpachi and two Gorillas mating? What the hell?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY!  
> Here it is! Attention please, I have finally finished this story!  
> I'm so proud of my self! (Even though it sounds a bit arrogant, I truly am, it was so much work, like actual three months!!! )  
> It was my first story I wrote and I actually wanted to post it before my other works, but ehh... It got longer and longer and all the other ideas popped in my mind in between...  
> So here it is, my -sadly not first anymore- fanfic ;)  
> It's Canon (for anyone who wondered) and plays after the series ended (hopefully not anytime soon) at the last day of the anime.  
> Also, at first it's mainly comedy but fear not, the time for hotness and smexyness will come in the end xD  
> Ah, before I forget.  
> It's finished, and I primely wanted to make a oneshot... but well... it's over 22000 words, so I thought, why not make it a good old-fashioned story?  
> So I will post every week one chapter of 2 till 5 thousand words. :)  
> Eh, now enough words, enjoy my blood and tears, and have hopefully as much fun reading as I had writing :)

 

 

 

 

„So…“ Gintoki frowned „..you and Gorilla are finally together?“

Otae smiled kindly.

Gintoki stared lazily, not be confused with unwarily - you will never know when Otae switches into berserk-mode, and he had enough bruises when she _has_ caught him off guard- and scratched in a display of complete indifferent his belly. 

 

„What du you mean finally? We were _always_ meant to be together.  As a heroine I deserve nothing but the best. Why do you say it as if it is something surprising?“

Her smile creeps up into her face while her fists clutches together.

He scratches his belly more intensely. 

 

„ _Do you have a problem with my exhibition of affection?_ “

 

Her eyes open mid-lid into a hella scary Open-your-damn-mouth-one-more-time-and-you-will-bid-your-farewell-to-your-balls glare. 

Gintoki immediately recoils and forces a happy smile on his faces, violently scratching his belly that left him thinking how long it takes for Gin-san to have a huge black hole within his abdomen.

Not that he is scared or something. Nope. not he.

Not almighty Gin-san.

 

 

„W-w-what are you saying? Gin-san wouldn’t accuse you of anything? haha …i’m just surprised that you..“ -a threatening glare and a hand securely grasping something hidden behind her back-

„.. didn’t tell us sooner! yes yes, thats it.“ the smile switches to her normal only half-threatening glare, however her hand remain behind her back. 

 

„Well.. I am sure everybody is happy for you.. right Shinpachi-kun?“ he asks in the desperate need for backing in the huge life-or-death task of calming the wild beast. 

 

His flawless attempt got destroyed, for his side-kick has nothing better to do than stare wide eyed into space. 

In a not so life threatening situation he might have considered if Patsuans glasses broke due to the impact of the newly received information.

But as the damocles sword still hanging over his head, or to be concrete over his precious analog stick he smacked him till the light returned into his eyes. 

 

„Oy, Patsuan? Don’t you have anything to say to your sister? Shinpachi-kun? Hello? Have your glasses finally met death? Is your sister-complex to much to handle? Don’t worry Shinpachi-kuuun~, Gin-san knows a good place where you can relive your glasses. It even has 24 hours surveillances and there are nice guys in white who will anticipate every one of of your wishes. There will be even nice neighbors like Nagato, Captain Kurotsuchi, Hannibal Lecter-“ 

 

„OII! What are you saying? Are you shunting me off? You are clearly shunting me off!!! And what you are describing, is a mental hospital, isn’t it???? Are you insulting me? Are you saying I am a lunatic? ME??“ Shinpachi screeched totally furious.

 

„No, no, no. Shinpachi-kun~. You clearly misunderstood. I am saying your _glasses_ are lunatic.“

 

„That doesn’t make it any better! Why am I reduced to my glasses? I am more than my glasses!

I AM NOT PART OF THE GLASSES, THE GLASSES ARE A PART OF ME!!!!“ 

 

He screamed heavy breathing to the shocked audience. 

 

 

Everybody went silent. 

Even though a little bit embarrassed over his little outburst he can find a flaring burn of hope inside his chest. 

No doubt they all feel guilty about trampling over his feeling. 

No doubt they will all recognize what for a decent human being he was. 

A human being that was so much more than glasses, that helps them as a boring character, clean after their messes and make them shine more brighter, clearly they all understood his importance, his supreme understanding of everything, his- 

 

„Oi, oi, Kagura, I think Patsuan has lost it. He probably thinks he is Ken from Tokyo Ghoul, who can have a mental breakdown to rise from his boring unwanted character to a popular badass main character to eat human flesh.“ 

„Oi, oi, Gin-chan, he first have to be tortured for weeks and meet his deceased father to finally arrive at the peak of power known as white hair.“ 

„Oi! Oi! Kagura! We can’t let that happen! Gin-san is the only one who has the right to have white hair! There can only be one white haired person in every anime! Gin-san without the white hair isn't outstanding anymore, nobody will recognize him!

No, no, no, I can’t allow that! The unique white permy hair is mine alone!!“ 

 

„Gin-chan, no need to worry like I said he has to be tortured before he can claim the right of white power.“ 

„No, you don’t understand Kagura-chan, he is living with this sister of his, he is already a at Bankai stage of receiving torture.“ 

Suddenly the temperature drops some degrees.

 

„What was that? I must have misheard something, you couldn't mean to accuse my sincere love to shin-chan, _could you_?“ 

„ah-ah, n-n-n-no. haha… of course not? Who said that? Did anybody hear that? Who would dare say that? I would never! ha-haha.“ 

„But Gin-chan, didn't you just compare boss lady with torture?“ 

„Ah! NO! Kagura! What are you saying! I didn't say that, I…! N-n-n-no O-otae the stupid kid has …m-misunderstood. Misunderstood! I tell you! Ca-calm down please! there is no way I would say anything against your gorilla-like affection for your mutant baby glasses child- AAAH!“

 

„No. This live is definitely nothing than torture.“ Shinpachi speaks slowly and self-confident to the room. Nobody listens. 

 

 

 

 

„Anyway“ Gintoki starts, ignoring the itching pain in his right shoulder and head „Since when do you guys go out?“ Otae shoots him a glare, but swirls her hair behind her back with a „hmpf". 

„Well obviously quiet a while.“ 

 

Nobody reacts. Disbelief clearly written all over the faces.

 

 

Otae pauses and than stands up, dramatic music suddenly accompanying her from the off.

 

„I had a harsh live“ she begins with fake tears in her eyes 

„where I had to take care of my little glasses“ everybody ignores said glasses objection 

„and then one blissful but sorrow morning where I was walking in my humble clothing's along the streets, searching the ground for 300 yen“ 

         -„Hey! Thats my line!“-

„there was suddenly this heavenly light shining from above. At first I thought it was a stalker with a flash lamp, but after I beat him up he told me, my dream of a comfortable live will come true if I become the heroine of Gintama.“

       

         -„Eeh, Anue you clearly said something very misleading here. Like something totally frightening here!“ 

         „Oi, you gorilla lady, I am the beautifully gifted heroine you are speaking about! Don’t try to confuse the reader!“- 

 

„As a heroine it was my job to become absolutely dedicated to the protagonist, to care about him, to love him, to beat him up if he disobeys me-“

       

        - „OI! What did you say? That is no way a proper heroine should talk! More like a sadist talks about his wife! Am I your wife?! No, more like am I your freaking dog         who you starve till he does what you says?!!!“ 

 

                     - „Well actually that describes you pretty well, Gin-san“-

 

         „And when the hell did you even care about me? All you ever do is beat me up! in fact all you ever do in this shitty anime is beating the living shit out of everything that comes across your way! And what is your problem with me being protagonist? Gin-san is a superb protagonist! There is nothing wrong in loving someone handsome as me! I feel kinda sad for your gorilla-race for not understanding the god like figure of a male protagonist- AAHK!“  

 

 

 

„AS I WAS SAYING the decision was not a easy one, especially after meeting my work partner, who was nothing more then a homeless good for nothing with a natural perm, but in desperation for escaping this harsh life, and for my glasses, I finally submitted in this contract, discarding all my feelings in ambition of a lonely life without true love. I felt proud in my duty and managed accordingly to my script-“

               - „No way in hell is this your script!“ -

 

„as a man stepped in the life of this tragic heroine. At first she doesn't paid him to much attention, but after she beat him up occasional times because of his stalking, she started to remember this burning feeling inside her chest.“ 

                     -„Yes, the burn of an resentful devilish women with no time for anger management.“ 

                     „Oi, Gin-chan, why is gorilla lady talking in third perspective?“ 

                     „Sht! Don't wake her split personality! Dr. Jekyll is enough to handle without mister hyde!“ 

                     „Gin-san what are you saying? Don’t be ridiculous! You dare to insult my sister? You dare offend my every day terror? Anue is always Mister Hyde! Except maybe  in front of kyuubei-san. At least be appropriate when you offend somebody. For example, you could say that her cooking skill is a newly discovered death weapon, challenging the death scythe of Soul Eater-“ 

 

The window suddenly obtains a huge hole in the middle and nobody moved, solidified, till Otae slowly retracts her fist.

 

It passes another minute where her killer intent spreads and sinks into every object -persons implemented- before the sorry human beings dare to take another breath.

 

 

 

„Ahem. The burning inside my chest.“ 

She paused and tried to indulge again in her tragic story. 

 

„It was something I had long forgotten, something I never dared to hope for since this heroic choice of mine.

It was the feeling of joy, a feeling that can only be described as an renewed happiness in living. After all this long years I find myself truly laughing while beating somebody up, truly enjoying the time spent with another person. I never would have guessed that this annoying stalker could move my heart like this, but I finally acknowledged my feelings for him. This day changed my entire life.“

A single tear made its way down her face. The audience -still freezed stiff- listened in a scared silence that could be mistaken for some, as rather doubtful. 

 

„But unfortunately for both of us I had already signed the heroine contract-“ 

              -„Like I said! I am the heroine- mmf!“ -

 

„and we couldn't be together. Therefore we could only stare from far away at each other in a desperate way to express our love! We could only exchange fists than words and embraces-“ 

            -„No, I am pretty sure you demonstrated your _hatred_ for him through your fists! Kondo-san had no problem in expressing his love for you Anue.“ -

„and thus our secret relationship was a strain in body and mind. But at last this day has finally come…“

She hold her breath in a theatric gesture.

 

„… the last day of the series! We can be official together now! Nobody has to worry because of the audience anymore! We are FREE!“ 

 

She screamed, her eyes wide open with a malicious glance in them. Stunned, Gintoki and attachment slowly slid backwards, eyes never leaving the maniac in front of them.  

 

 

„Oi, Shinpachi, your sister sounds like a 15-year old drug addict who is home alone for the first time.“ 

„Oi, Glasses, maybe your sister was drugged by the pheromones of the other gorilla.“

„Don’t say that Kagura! That is an insult to every honorable gorilla out there! Nothing could be ever attracted to this witch!“ 

„Gin-san! You’re talking about my sister! My sister is perfect! It must be her pheromones that attracted the gorilla, which she couldn’t turn down, because my sister is so kind hearted!“ 

„Oi, are you sure we are talking about the same Person? About this demon in human form? Have your glasses forgot the brain today?“ 

„This is bad, Gin-chan! Patsuan has forgot his kleenex and now he is starting to hallucinate! Maybe he will try to attack us! We must eliminate him first!“ 

„WHAT?! How the hell do you come to this conclusion??! Wait! Kagura! It’s me!! And are you saying my brain is Kleenex? You're totally saying my brain is a kleenex, AREN’T YOU?!“

 

Gintoki barely snatches Kaguras collar before she manages to land one of her destructions moves, and soothes her while still aiming for the goal -the door. 

„Woah. Hold on Kagura. Never forgot my important lessons! Let him hallucinate his sister for all I care, it is a advantage for us!“ Kagura blinks one long second till a huge grin spreads over her face.

„You are right, manager. I am terrible sorry.“

He smiles genuinely and pats her head, proud of their mutual understanding. „Nothing to worry about, nothing to worry.“ 

 

 

Shinpachi stares confused to his comrades nodding and smirking at each other, and a small thread of dread makes his way through his innards. His flight instincts are screaming and just as he sets to sprint for the door, a treacherous all-to-familiar voice whispers softly against his neck: 

 

„Shin-chan… did you just say… I spread… pheromones… like an… _animal_?“ 

He instantly know he is doomed. 

 

A quick glance to his left confirmed his foreboding, as the sight of two clothes dashing around a corner, a far cry of farewell and a promise to give him 300 yen for his funeral echoing in the far-to-silent room.

He gulps down in a desperate attempt to clear his dry throat and faces, sweating heavily, the huge gorilla monster, who happens to be his sister.

In times like this he regrets his choice of life the most.

 

„AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!“

 

 

 

 

 

The horrific scream only threatens them to run faster, none of them admitting the fact that they sold out a comrades for their lives. 

Nonetheless it is the responsibility for a side-kick to sacrifice themselves for the hero, so he died in execution of his duty, therefore it would be in vain if he get caught at this point in the stage.

So his attempt for survival is also a way to esteem Patsuan’s life. 

 

At least that was what Gintoki told himself, while trying to outrun Kagura -than damn! Why is she so fucking fast? She is only 14 years old for gods sake!- in case he has to give up  another one of his pawn. 

 

 

„Don’t you dare try it Gin-chan! You better escape with me together, or I promise I will bring you on your knees begging!“ 

„What are you thinking of me? I am your honorable mother! Gin-san would never let somebody touch you! Even though you are quite a pain in the ass, with all your binge eating through our months salary!“ 

 

„I am a little girl in her growth stage! Shame on you for trying to let a helpless kid starve only for your own greed!“ 

„Helpless girl? Who? Where? I don’t see her? Maybe she has got eaten by this gluttony monster beside me!“ 

 

„What are you saying? The helpless girl obviously had to switch personality to survive in this dangerous world of hunger!“ 

„We are in Gintama not in One Piece or in any other proper shounen manga! We can’t just switch into cool personalities just because we feel like it! Don’t insult our honorable mangaka, Kagura!“ 

 

„NO WAY! I already had an awesome transformation into insane-killer-kagura! You're just jealous because I had one, even though you, as the protagonist, hadn’t!“ 

 

„HAA??! N-NONSENSE! I am already awesome !!! Thats why I don't need a lousy transformation! Don’t try to confuse the audience! In the first place, you're the lame one because you actually needed a transformation to boost you popularity! I can be good old Gin-san the whole year and everybody still loves me! YOU HEAR ME? EVERYBODY LOVES ME!“ 

 

„Tch! Talk about arrogant protagonist. To cocky to face reality.“ 

„What was that? What did you say? Gin-san couldn't hear you. No, he couldn’t. Bet it was another one of your unjustly insults, right? Right?“

„Don’t think just because you are the main character you can do what you like!“

„Don’t think just because you are the heroine you can do what you like!“

„Don’t think just because I am a boring character I will let you do what you like!“ 

„Don’t think just beca- … wait what?“ Both of them looked to the left where a really pissed glassed person was running beside them. 

„SHINPACHI!!!“ 

„GLASSES!“ 

 

They simultaneously dropped their argument in favor of trying to outrun Shinpachi and the huge wildlife animal behind them, that they where too distracted to notice sooner. 

 

„Wait how long are you here? Why did you follow us after your death? Is it because we left you? I tell you it was also in your favor! So you could fulfill your duty as side-kick! So your parents could be proud of you when you greet them!“ 

 

„Shinpachi, when you haunt somebody haunt Gin-chan, he persuade me in doing so! I would never do something so filthy! You know how he is! He bribed me to get along with him! I had no choice for three stashes of Sukonbu!“ 

„EEH? Don’t believe her! I would never offer three Stashes for this! Only one, you hear me? Kagura you just give yourself away! AHAHA!“ 

 

„No, in fact this conversations makes it a lot easier to let you both just to…

DIE IN HELL! 

FULFILL MY DUTYS AS A SIDE-KICK? BRIBED BY THREE STASHES OF SUKONBO? ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME?“ 

 

„NO! I already said only one! Don’t you listen Shinpachi?“ 

 

„THAT IS EVEN WORSE! YOU’RE THE WORST! YOU BOTH! AAAAHRG! I HATE YOU!“ 

 

„OI! Shinpachi don’t think you can steal my awesome transformation! I am the only one who gets it!“ 

Her eyes narrow and she manages to send a killer look to pitiful glasses mid running. 

 

„If you dare touch my things, I will destroy your Otsuu-chan collection.“

Shinpachi paled noticeable and sputters apologizes non-stop as the glasses without balls he was. 

 

Gintoki was in the middle of lecturing Kagura, that she has no right to lecture Shinpachi about his lecture, as the unmentionable happens. 

 

He slips over a Banana peel and crashes face first in the ground. Luckily he was able to grip Kagura’s trousers (and she Shinpachi’s) to make them meet him on the street. 

 

Unfortunately, as they were all spitting and cussing and screaming, Otae catches up. 

She smiles sweetly. 

Everybody looked panicked to each other, no solution of this awful situation in sight. 

Then everybody pointed to the person left of him and they shouted unison: „It was his/her fault!“ 

 

For their bad luck, this display of solidarity didn't save them of Otae’s wrath. 

 

 

 

„So“ Gintoki started for the third time this day while casually eating Dango. That was of course no easy task, because a certain gluttony girl constant tried to steal his, after already devouring her share. 

 

„If you really want us to believe this hilarious scheme you have to prove it to us.“

„Yes, Boss lady“ Kagura mumbled behind a palm on her face 

„show us that you truly love Gorilla.“ 

A pause where she shoves the alien hand of her face to reveal her huge grin. 

„With a kiss.“ 

 

Otae glared and Gintoki smirked too. 

 

„A wonderful idea Kagura-chan~. I’m sure they will enjoy this opportunity to finally exhibit their love openly.“ 

 

„W-w-wait a moment! I don’t want to see that? Anybody? I don’t want Gorilla to kiss my sister!“ He screamed but to his misfortune Otae had already agreed, to not lose face. 

 

 

„Haha, no worry Shinpachi, it will never come to this.“ 

„Yeah, when they kiss the next thing that would happen is that you get a girlfriend…. and we all know that no power in the world can force a girl to try a move on you.“ 

„Whoa!! That was way to mean! Kagura! You said something really cruel here! I have also feelings you know? I am a living being, you know?“ 

 

„I know it is harsh, Shinpachi, but that is the cruelty of adulthood. This day had to come, where all you're dreams of childhood face the horrid reality.“

He paused and patted his shoulder sympathetically.

 

„I remember like it was yesterday, when the shop owner told me this parfait coupon that I found was already expired… This awful feeling of disappointment, the imaginary tears of your heart, the-“ 

 

„Gin-san! That _did_ happen yesterday and you _did_ cry! Like actual tears, no imaginary!“ 

„What are you saying? Gin-san would never cry! He is a grown-up man!“ 

„Yeah right,“ Shinpachi deadpans „thats why you told me your childhood dream of having a parfait is equivalent to be said no girl will ever love me. Really.“ 

 

 

Gintoki makes a hurt face. 

„How could you? Sweets are the most important thing in life! Didn't you listen properly to my tales of wisdom? How dare you!

I will detract your title of Sweet-man-number-4!“ 

 

Kagura made a shocked noise while Otae was ignoring them, preparing for her big role in the coming act. 

 

„I never ever had this ridiculous title in the first place! You are making this up and why the hell am I number 4? Do you count Sadaharu in? Are you saying I am after Sadaharu? After a dog?“ 

„Well inanimate objects are lower than animated ones, so...“ 

 

„NO! When will you ever quit these dam glasses jokes? Don’t you know how all the people with glasses watching will feel? Don’t you care about your idol role?

In fact, does _anybody in this stupid anime care about how the discriminated will feel_??“ He screeched furious.

„And that’s why you are the boring, unpopular character.“ Kagura stated.

 

Gintoki nodded sadly and Shinpachi thought about the nth-time why he just didn’t quit and make holiday in Hawaii.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooooooo...... how was it?   
> Seriously I am craving for reviews here (since my last comedy story kinda got no response and I am seriously doubting my talent for comedy writing here -_-° aah except for i_ love_okikagu your comment made my day :D)  
> Eh, anyway forget my wallow in self-pity and focus on the story..  
> You liked it?   
> You felt sorry for Shinpachi?   
> Are you curious why Otae is 'dating' Kondo?   
> (Well I hinted it in the summary, but oh well... let me have my fun^)  
> In the next chapter the huge secret will be revealed! And No worry our beloved Shinsengumi appears as well :)  
> (I originally wanted to put their entrance in this one as well... but it got so long -_-°° ...   
> Please don't hate me for this ^^)  
> AND you will get a insight in the inner minds of our beloved characters xD  
> So stay tuned! ^^  
> And comment if you wanna make me happy :)


	2. The disaster of cook, GrDDWorries and THIS MEANS WAR!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hijikata, Sougo and Kondou join the scene.  
> The secret will be revealed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hoho, here is the awesome (hopefully funny) second chapter!  
> God, it was so annoying waiting till I could finally post it.^^  
> (I was like, Ah I wanna post it, but it's only three days after I posted the first one.. :P )  
> So, here comes our beloved Shinsengumi ... enjoy and be happy ; )

During Shinpachis wallow in self-pity some more stupid characters join the scene. 

 

„Oi,oi, look who is coming here, Kagura-chan~… the broom with his sadist kid and the disaster of cook.“ 

„Oi, Shinpachi looks like you get not only a gorilla father but also a sadist dog and ingredients.“ 

 

„OI! Did your Chinese fugitive of brat just called me ingredients? And how do you even proceed from cook to ingredients? What is wrong with you? And you are the least worthy one to judge me, you sugar freak! Did your sugar cancer already spread into your brain?“ 

„Sugar cancer? Sorry, all this nicotine of yours must have altered your pronunciation. By the way, are you really sure you want to have an argument about illegal immigrants? I’m pretty certain your Gorilla over there has no vet certification. And when was the last time he had a check-up of diseases? If you think we will give our lady some flea covered beast, you sure as hell are mistaken!“

„Oh, actually we did get him checked last week cause his behavior was worrying…“ Hijikata trailed of. 

 

Everyone stared at him in disbelief, Sougo with a huge malicious grin on his face, promising murder and torture, Kondo silently crying, in the shallow attempt to hide it. 

Not that anyone was fooled.

 

„W-w-wait!!!! WAIT! NO! Thats not the point! In the first place who are you to assume that our Gorilla who lives in the clean, rich and shiny part of Edo has fleas? If somebody has to check than of course your Gorilla who lives in the suburban jungle of filth!“ 

 

„Toshi… that doesn't make it any better..“ Kondos tears stream now more vehemently, giving up in hiding. Hijikata panics more. 

 

„N-n-n-n-n-o I-i-i-i m-mean of course it shouldn't matter if anyone of them has fleas we are in a free country, a-a-and…and.. we can always wash ourselves!“ haughtily of himself and his quick thinking he glanced to a still crying Kondo, who forces himself a tiny smile on his face.

„I am.. hick.. proud… hick.. of your.. open mind, Toshi…. really.“ Gintoki pats comradely on his shoulder and nodding empathic he adds:

„Well said, Gorilla. Well said.“  

 

 

Hijikata -still confused- tried to focus on the important matters.

They were here for a certain mission and he would be ashamed to call himself the Demo-… Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi if he couldn't complete this properly. Of course there were this little miscalculations and annoyances -to call it names the Yorozuyas (or to be specific, a certain dead fish eyed bastard)- but nonetheless  it wasn’t anything he couldn’t handle.

For he was the unofficial leader of the Shinsengumi, the caretaker of a Gorilla boss, and the survivor of a sadist assassin, he, the great Demo-… ahem.. Vice Commander.

 

 

While Hijikata indulges with his inner monologue, Gintoki watched with slight worries

-well maybe he should say with a little bit more worries … not to say ..maybe Great-Danger-Destruction-Worries (in short GrDDWo) which only appear when two monster-like individuals met. But of course he wasn’t worried… never- 

the fight between Soichiro-kun and Kagura which was -like always- frightening counterbalanced. 

 

 

Frightening, because we have a 14 Year old alien girl from the Yato tribe, which were the best fighter in the universe, and on top of it she was the daughter of the strongest man (well, alien hunter but it was basically the same, right?) in the universe, with a brother who was the 

1) best friend and ally of his archenemy 

2) his second archenemy (well, kinda, he wasn’t sure if prince baka ranks second or third), and 

3) the strongest space pirate in the universe (well, not yet, but the whole series is outlined for him to become the top alien boss (whoa, another reference of One Piece! Has the Anime really this much money?) and the strongest man in the universe after beating his father (also soon to be) so it is basically the same right?).

 

So… yeah, this girl was fighting with a 18 year old _human_ , who was indeed a sadist -but the last time he checked, he didn’t get some weird kind of superpower in being so, so it basically means nothing- and they were _counterbalanced_.

So any questions again, why it was frightening? Nobody? Good. 

 

Of course nobody was as frightening as himself in Shiroyasha-mode, -just watch the damn opening and flashbacks!- but he was open minded, enough to recognize the quantity of power they had.

Or so Gintoki thinks.

 

 

Anyway, during the kids dogfight and the adults overestimated monologue, the pitiable Gorilla Commander and the not-so-pitiable Gorilla boss lady consulted each other. 

 

„Otae-chan! You look so beautiful today! No, in fact you look every day beautiful, haha. How are you feeling? When will we marry? Is this week good?“ 

Otae paled a little bit and her fists clutched harder in the attempt to regulate her anger. 

 

„Ah.. yes well about this… didn’t we agreed to start slowly? I need more time to acclimate myself … and everybody else also has to cope with this first. You know this isn’t easy for me, you understand …right?“  

„What?? But we can be finally together! Our feelings are mutual. What is there to wait about?“ Kondo pouted. 

A vein popped on Otaes forehead, and every attempt of suppressing her temper failed. Her fist grabs his collar and she drags him down, till they are face to face. 

„Listen.“ Her voice deep and bristling of swelling rage 

 

„You like me. You love me. If you want that our relationship continues, you do what _I_ say. Do you UNDERSTAND?“ In consideration of her glaring eyes and scrunched mouth -which tells him not so subtile that she is fucking mad- poor Gorilla had no other choice but to reconsider. 

Immediately. On his knees. Pleading. 

 

 

„Well.. we sure as hell didn’t believe that Kondo-san actually managed to schmooze her. Turns out we were right.“ Sougo chokes unemotionally while being held in a headlock. 

„Damn right, you super sadist! As if Anego would ever submit to anything! She will conquer the world, with me as her General, and then you will be the first one to be pushed in the volcano of screams and torture. And I will be watching, sitting across in my castle of Sukonbu, enjoying sake and listen to your ugly, slow, death. Ahk-“ 

She screamed as he twist her wrist and freed himself while simultaneously grabbing her hair to hold her down. 

 

„You want to kill me? Sorry China, you are hundred years to early for that.“ 

He spouted haughtily from above. 

„And I should better give you a lecture about how to scare your opponent, ’cause this was terrible. Really, a volcano of scream and torture?“ 

He sneered at her, watching with content joy the darkening of her cheeks. 

 

„HAH? You aren’t any better, you sadist! You getting hard for wracking a helpless girl? You asshole! Let me go! If you rip off one strand of my precious hair, you will regret it for your life time, you pervert!“ 

„Who do you call a pervert? And no, I only get hard by wrecking real women, not little brats who didn’t even has their monthlies. Or are you already in your puberty? I really can’t tell by your ugly face, it just doesn’t seem to change…“ 

 

„Oi, you sadist, let me go and I show you how much I can change _your_ shitpile that you call face!“ 

„You should really watch you language, bitch.“ 

„Have a problem with my accuracy, asshole?“ 

„No, just thought you may leave a false impression to the men watching, slut.“ 

„You calling me a prostitute, fucker? Don’t you dare insult Tsukky and the others! Every women has to live, and it’s better than a payed killer sadist, sadist!“ 

„Ha, said it twice!“ 

„That was with intent, asshole! Read between the lines!“ 

„To much effort.“

„Then don’t complain.“ 

„Whatever.“ 

„Fuck you.“ 

„No, fuck you.“ 

„Said it twice!“ 

„With intent!“ 

„Don’t copy me.“ 

„As if I need that.“

„Well, than let me go already, so I can beat you to death.“ 

„Never gonna happen. You’re way to arrogant.“ 

 

…

 

 

Gintoki and Hijikata simultaneously turn around, deliberately deciding to ignore the bantering kids.  

 

„You really think Kondo-san and the women are together?“

 Hijikata whispers, eyes not leaving Otae who is momentary punching Kondo because he touched her shoulder. 

„Not a second.“ Gintoki whispers back. 

A heavy sigh escapes him and he wonders why the lady apparently tried to fake a relationship with his boss. That his Commander don’t get the difference between real love and this, isn’t all to surprising, he was stalking her for devils knows how long.

But the question was why. Why would this gorilla lady do this, if not for a cruel attempt to break Kondo-sans heart more. 

„It makes no sense.“ 

Gintoki laughed at that -because seriously, what in this fucking anime makes sense?- and approaches the outed pair carefully, maybe the tiniest bit relieved in the encouraging presence of the Mayora.

 

 

„Oy, Gorilla, are you really together?“ Kondo spins, a scary stalker smile on his face and nods frequently. 

„Of course! I love her! And I knew she loves me, too! Haha! Everything is perfect! We will getting married next week and have ten beautiful girls who will look like Otae and- Agh!“ 

 

He goes down with a thunk and the men slowly lifted their gaze to Otaes way-to-kind smile. 

„Yes, we love each other, but we both agreed that a marriage is still too soon and something you have to decide carefully. _Right_?“ 

Hesitation from the pile of meat on the floor. A feet chunks down, only centimeters away from Gorillas balls. 

„YES! Yes! Of course it is way to early! We just came out in the open, so we have to let everybody adjust to that first! AHAHA. Haha. ha.ha.ha. …“ He lifts his head. 

 

„Don’t look at me like that! Toshi! Yoruzuya! Don’t show me this disgusted look! I’m still a man! 

I have still balls, right? Right!!!????“

„No, you were never a man in the first place. Don’t try to confuse things. But I am disappointed at your lack of animal pride. At least try to bite her hand or something. Even Sadaharu has more balls than you, ne Ogoushi-kun?“ 

 

„Who are you calling Ogoushi-kun? And no, I think we should see this as an improvement, at least he has been tamed.“ 

„Well, you have a point, but in the sake of animal-rights, I don’t know if Gorillas even count as pet animals. We should get him a jungle to see him in the wild.“ 

„No, thats way to expensive! Do you even know how much preserving a park in a city costs? And than imagine a whole jungle! Are you out of your mind?“ 

„Tch. Can’t even make a tiny jungle for their chief. Blame on me, for expecting anything from you tax robbers.“ 

 

„What was that? You just insulted me for the least thing counting? And what do you mean, you had expectations? My ass! As if you could think that long to expect something! No! 

In the first place why are you calling us tax robber if we do our job, but are disappointed if we don’t waste money on hilarious things? You nuts? You had a sugar shortage and lost your reasons? 

A, no, sorry, my bad, you never had any reason to begin with. All the sweets you ate are blocking your  blood supply!!!“ 

 

„HAH? As if that would ever happen! The only thing that could block it, is your dog food mayonnaise, with all it fat!“ 

„WHAT?? Don’t you dare insult the holiness of mayonnaise!!! And, wait. That is the only thing you are angry about? Like, I just insulted your brain capacity?“ 

„Ah, well you were right about that. I was too lazy to actually manage the strength to think more than a second about it… no need to get worked over it, right?“ 

„Hmm.. thats actually pretty sincere and all.“ 

„Yeah, I know. I’m telling you all day long, Gin-san is a really honest and clever man. But you never listen.“ He sighs. 

 

Hijikata kind of feels guilty about it. 

No! Wait! He doesn't feel guilty about it! No way! Never! As if he would feel that way just because the natural perm had admitted one of his mistakes! 

He certainly will never feel- 

„Not that I actually care what you or the rest of the world thinks. Everybody, apart from me, is just thinking the wrong way. Don’t know why they make so much effort. Maybe it is their lack of sugar.“

 

Yeah. Right. He doesn't feel guilty. Never.

 

 

 

„But seriously, do you really want us to believe that you conveniently changed your mind on the last day of the anime show?“ Hijikata asks monitoring the gorilla pair. Otae grits her teeth violently but manages her anger.

„Of course.“ 

„Hmm.“ Gintoki hums, still not abel to lay the finger on this.

„Then you can start to prove it to us with a kiss, like Kagura said.“ Otae nods.

„Yes, nothing would I love to do more, but my Gorilla has currently a louse infection“ 

-everybody ignores the loud and teary „Otae?!“ -

„So if you would like to see more, you have to watch it the next time.“ She smiles.

 

Nobody moves.

 In the heads of the attendee it made klick. 

That was the reason.

 

„Anego! You traitor! You are trying to outdo me, the heroine, in the last episode, by getting a boyfriend before me!“ 

„You crazy chick! You are trying to outpace me, the protagonist, by getting a spin-off!“ 

„You gorilla lady! You want to use Kondo-san for your own benefits, betraying his love, and trump over all of us!“

„You damn women! You want to manipulate the fangirls feeling, by showing them one of their ships and make them beg for more!“

 

„BUT!“ All of them screamed in unison 

-well except of Shinpachi who watches with open mouth at this giant battle, questioning the sanity of his friends and family, and the need of popcorn.-

„THAT WON’T WORK BECAUSE WE ARE TOGETHER MUCH LONGER THAN YOU! AND OUR FANGILRS ARE MUCH MORE AND INFLUENTIAL THAN YOURS!“

 

 

Silence. 

The two couples slowly inspect the other, estimating the threat level.

They all know what this means. 

This means war. 

Nobody except the partner can be trusted. Everything is on the line for the support of the fangirls.

For the holy goal of achieving a spin-off.

 

 

Kagura glances towards Sougo. 

 

She hates this bastard, and luckily the feelings are more than mutual. Anything else would have been a huge disappointment. Because as much she detest him, as much she loves to fight him. 

Of course it is always a matter of life and death -one wrong move and there will be no Insane-Kagura-Killer-Mode-Fight-Of-Revenge against her brother number two- but that is exactly why she enjoys the thrill of their fights so deeply.

After all she is a Yato, she is fated to fight. 

Nonetheless as much as she likes their battles, she wouldn’t give him as far as a finger to help him and in not a million years will she trust him. 

 

Everything regarding him is suspicious. 

The handcuffs he is carrying? Suspicious. 

The Bazooka he manages to bring out at the best timing? Suspicious.

The Paper of the candy he just threw away? Suspicious.

So, she has a real problem at hand now. 

 

The huge Garbage-Dump-Detection-Worries (in short, GrDDWo) that are always troubling her near this super sadistic person -that goes so far, that she is shooting at everything in sight, if her thoughts accidentally wander towards him- are telling her to beg out of this. 

He isn’t to be trusted. 

But she can’t overlook this offense at her role as heroine. No way in hell will she let herself be outpaced by this traitorous serpent!

And even less will she lose in a battle of shipping pairings against this so-not-hotter-than-her gay pairing!

Gay couples may be better in theory but they will never beat her in praxis! As if the two of them will manage to casually hold hands despite more erotic stuff like kissing. It was an easy win, thus she will just have to make peace with the sadist for some split seconds -till they crush this hilarious and so not-cooler-than-her pair- and than they can go back to killing each other like usual.

 

She glances at Sougo and give him her haughty I-will-go-with-you-now-but-don’t-you-dare-think-you-did-win-and-that-I-need-you-or-anything nod.

 

 

 

Sougo glances at Kagura.

 

She gave him her I-will-go-along-with-you-now-but-don’t-you-dare-think-you-did-win-and-that-I-need-you-or-anything nod and he just needs to think one second, before he answers with his Fine-I-will-try-to-manage-to-fake-a-relationship-with-a-chinese-brat-who-is-still-way-to-young-to-be-attractive-only-because-I-want-to-see-Hijikata-despair-in-submitting-to-Danna-and-not-because-I-want-to-help-you-or-be-together-with-you-or-anything nod.

He can always kill her off if it gets boring -what apparently never happens when China is involved, a curiosity that still bothers him sometimes- and he really sought to see the flustered and angry face of hopfully-soon-to-die Hijikata.

He probably thinks he is the man in their relationship and will get to lead Danna. A grave mistake. A devilish grin spreads over his face.

Yes, this will certainly be very much fun.

He only has to watch out as not to discomfort Danna too much, because of all possibilities he has to prevent the mad step of Grave-Danna-Dangodecrease-Warrior-stage-outburst (in short, GrDDWo) -which he only happens to see once to scare him (he is not ashamed to admit) for his lifetime-  at all costs. 

 

 

 

Hijikata glances to Gintoki, 

 

and grabs his hand not willing to think over this situation more than a second. 

Like hell will he let Sougo got a Spin-Off with China not only for his pride, but mainly for his own survival.

If this kid was the Protagonist he can already see all the death flags on his head, mayo, with his luck he will be the brutal boyfriend of China, who he has to torture to get the girl! 

As if he will let something like this happen! Over his dead body! And If he has to play happy couple with this Good for nothing permy bastard, then so be it! 

Not that half of the audience already assumed they were together, -so no harm done here- and in the battle of dominance, they have clearly better footgrounding.

Because seriously if you have to choose between some 12 year old school romance, or an adult only erotic-bad-boy-fighter-romance with two hot guys like they were-… like HE were, and a okay guy, who sometimes do something slightly heroic (not that he cared… or that he noticed!), it should be obvious which couple to choose.

 

 

 

Gintoki glances at Hijikata,

 

and didn’t think twice when he accepts the hand.

It was the worst possible outcome for this day, for his last glorious day in the anime, his last day where he could show his supremacy as the protagonist.

And now, on his last day of work and glory some stupid, hilarious and complete not-so-cool-as-him side characters with so far-over-the-edge-kinks that nobody would believe to be true (like serious Sukonbu who eats that stuff nowadays? Yes, nobody! And come on, to blow everything in your way up, is so mainstream, couldn’t you think of something better Sofa-kun?) wanted to outdate him? HIM? 

The mysteriously lazy and caring, goofy and hurting, childlike and astonishing serious miraculous, all loved main character?

The mad war hero Shiroyasha and the human who beat -till this day- every living being that messed with his people?

They want to Fuck with HIM?

 

He is so going to destroy them!

Nobody takes his place as the strawberry drinking Yoruzuya! No nobody than him can eat Parfaits and sweets! He has to protect the sweets! They are HIS ALONE!!!

And if he has to held hands like high schooler with this stupid Mayora, so be it! 

 

They probably think they will win because he and the walking cigarette stock can’t get along, but god are they mistaken!

They don’t _want_ to get along, but that doesn’t mean they _can’t_.

As a matter of fact, the aggressive cop beside him is possible the only person in this shitty anime that can truly understand him.

Not that they talk about this stuff, no not them… like ..never, but he knows and Mayora knows that he knows and he knows that Mayora knows that he knows.

So basically, the Mayonnaise bastard is not the worst partner for this stunt.

 

A sadistic smile spreads on his face.

They are so going to pay for this humiliation on his last day!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, did I fired you up (please say yes! xD)  
> So yeah, the story unfolds!!  
> Poor Shinpachi, barely got any screen time..  
> And, what do you think?  
> And on which side are you on? HijiGin or Okikagu? O.O  
> Be my friend and comment (and if some native speakers out there (or no native speaker^^) has found some comprehension mistakes of my part, please tell me, I want to improve my writing skills :D )  
> See you all (hopefully) next week ;)


	3. Rules, wolfdemon's and the queen of the sukonbu-beetle tribe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, it proceeds!   
> Enjoy it :3

Gintoki turns to Kagura and Soda-kun.

 

„Oi, oi, you brats, you sure you want to have this battle? You are against proper adults you know? We will crush you with R18 stuff, you should give up now.“

 

Kagura turns as well grabbing Sougos hand.

 

„What are you talking about gramps? You sure you want to compete against our youthful love? Nobody wants to see old geezer’s, you know? You are bound to loose.“ 

„WTF? Who are you calling a geezer you damn brat! Who are you calling old, huh? Show some respect to the person who feeds you and change your diaper!!“ 

„That was only once! I had a nightmare and you promised to never tell anybody! And when did you ever feed me? All I can remember is working my ass off and in return almost starving to death!

And you lying sugar demon! Did you ever looked in the mirror the last years? You already have white hair! Who do you want to fool, huh?“ 

„WHAT? Don’t insult my awesome wavy hair! The color is the source of my power! You hear me? It has nothing to do with my age! It certainly has nothing to do with it! IT WAS THIS WAY THE DAY I WAS BORN!“ 

 

„Tch, old people are really noisy, getting worked up over trivial things so easily. Can’t believe I let myself be fooled this whole time.“ 

„No use swelling in the old days. I too was fooled in thinking he was my sadist and Dango friend, but now in the face of loosing he shows his true color.“

„Sofa-kun~? Now I know why you where so generous! You were buying my friendship to check my daughter out, you lolicon. Don’t you dare think I will overlook this! Anyway how come you can call yourself a police officer when in reality you’re breaking the law by seducing an underaged child? Ne, Hijikata-kun~ what do you say about this inappropriate behavior of your subordinate?“  

„Sougo, you’re violating the 46 Kyokuchuu Hatto, Seppuku for you.“ 

 

 

„EEH? That’s foul play you damn Mayora!! As if I let anybody seduce me! You’re all fooled by my young appearance but in reality I’m far older than all of you! 

 

Yes, in reality I am the queen of the sukonbu-beetle tribe (who can only live on sukonbu) who happens to transform into a human being, since her beetle heart broke due to an arranged marriage, while being in love with an underling, who than sacrificed himself for her and her country so that she can lead a happy live with her new fiancé.“

 

She kneeled down and folded her hands in prayers, face lifted towards the sky.

 

 

„~Oh, no love of my live! How could you leave me? How could you be so selfish, didn’t you know that I can never be happy in a world without you? Didn’t I promised you to run away and live poorly with you in a rundown house in the woods? Even if we have nothing more than our clothes I would be satisfied cause you would be by my side! 

 

        Tears ran down my cheeks and the moon shines silently upon my cries in the night. I realized that I am all alone, that there is nowhere in this country I could go without remembering you.

 

~Oh My love! I want to follow you in the afterlife, but than your sacrifice would be in wane! So I will make an oath: I will never come back to this Planet, to this life! I will discard my title of princess and all my wealth and live in the streets while atoning for my sins!

 

       Then there was a silver light and a gentle voice resound in the darkness:

~Oh my dear child! I listened to your pure and sorrow heart, and I couldn’t help but stop your fall into despair! If you truly wish to start a new life and forget and leave everything you loved, than I can help you.

 

~Oh, lovely voice in the dark, I beg of you safe me from this cruel world! I will offer you anything!

 

~Oh, you poor girl. I don’t need anything from you, your pure love is enough. Now bid you farewells, than until tomorrow you will be a human being in a faraway place, where nobody had ever heard of this race of sukonbu-beetles! 

 

~Oh, I thank you so much, gentle voice in the dark! Goodbye my loved father, I cannot live without my love! I hope my dearest sister is enough to hold your grief! Goodbye my loved sister! Please be happy with my fiancé and lead the country to peace and content! And Goodbye my dear fiancé! I am so sorry that I couldn’t love you like you loved me. I hope you will be happy with my sister! 

 

        A lonesome tear flows down her cheeks and her heart aches in sadness in this desert night.

 

And this is how I become the fearsome and beautiful, Yato tribe, Gintama heroine, and all loved Kagura. Thus I’m older than 20, therefore-“ 

 

„AS IF WE WOULD BELIEVE THAT!!!!!“  They screamed.

 

 

 

„AND THAT WAS FAR TOO LONG! What the heck was with the huge background story? As if a gentle voice in the night could do something like that! Don’t over judge the poor guy who happens to meet you in the night! Only because you can’t see the face don’t make him into a fairy, you hear! You can’t overestimate him! You mustn’t! It will kill him! 

He will think: Oh, no what should I do, this handsome girl wants help and expects me to perform magic, but I am just a drunk men who had lost orientation in the woods! 

He will say: Ah, I don’t know what to do, but she thinks I can do something, so when I don’t do something, she will be angry and sad and will cry and curse me for my life!

And then the guy will sacrifice his heart to the Wolfsdemon, to conform your expectation and will die just because you had prejudices to gentle voices in the night! How can you do this? How can you handle this weight of killing somebody off with your expectation, NA KAGURA????“

 

„HA? GIN-SAN! That is even more overestimated! 

Why would the Wolfsdemon take his heart to help the girl? NO! In the first place, why would the gentle voice in the dark even know a Wolfsdemon? Is he in fact a Wolfsdemon-underling? Is that why he could get his help? Is that why he was drunk in the woods? Because he couldn’t bear the responsibility of working for a demon? And in the end didn’t the voice actually manage to help? Didn’t the prejudice were right?“

  
„NO! PATSUAN! If the girl didn’t have unreasonable opinions about him in the first place, he wouldn't have gone so far! He wouldn’t have died!“

 

„NO! OI! Why are you questioning the wrong things? It should be:  A SUKONBU-BEETLE PLANET DON’T EXIST! And even if, there is no way in hell that you could change from a beetle to a human just because a gentle voice in the dark likes your teary, very emotional -and in fact truly touching- story! There is just no way!“ 

„Eh, HIjikata-san you’re crying.“ 

„I’m not!“ 

 

„No, Ogoushi-kun as I said it wasn’t the gentle voice! It was the nice Wolfsdemon who couldn’t help but give his heart to transform her, by hearing this ridiculous totally cliché -but in fact very touching-story!“ 

„EH? Why did the Wolfsdemon has to be sacrificed too? And why always the heart! That doesn’t make any sense! And why would the heart of the Wolfsdemon transform her into an human? If anything, it should transform her into an Wolfsdemon!“

„Oi, Patsuan, haven’t you been watching the anime? Kagura IS a Wolfsdemon in disguise!“ 

„Damn right, Shinpachi! Of course even the cruel Wolfsdemon 

would succumb to my natural beauty -even in my Sukonbu-beetle state- and give me his soul and eternal live!“ 

 

„Huh? What? Kagura-chan, nobody said anything about eternal life here!“

„What? It is only reasonable that he gave me his eternal life in addition to the transforming. Don’t you know anything than your spectacles, Shinpachi?“

„We had already enough glasses joke in this episode! Stop it already! AND NO! Why would he give you eternal life? You just conveniently made this up because this idiots are arguing about the wrong points!“ 

 

„Whoa. Didn’t know this guy you were forced to live with was such a jealous stick in the prick, my dear Wolfsdemon-princess-for-eternal-life-slave.“ 

„HUH! Did you just insulted my royalty sadistic-my-knight-fo-eternity-slave?“ 

„Whatcha saying princess-slave? You are of course a Sukonbu-beetle princess with eternal life, but I am of course the secret King of Planet Sadomaso. I told you this huge secret after your confession about your past life, remember? That’s one of the reasons we are so a perfect couple.“ 

 

Sougo smiled.

Kagura treated him with her murderous aura, but he didn’t budge. 

Silence. 

 

 

„…Well! I declare you both to a battle of who is the best couple, therefore gets more attention of the audience and gets the spin-off!“

She hastily turned to the two guys before them, completely dropping the topic.

„Alright.“ 

Gintoki agrees immediately, before they would think of anything more dramatic and -worst case scenario- would loose the attention of the audience.

 

 

 

 

 „I declare we make it in two rounds. FIRST.“

Gintoki looked up under his bangs -for dramatic effect- with a unusual serious expression.

„Battle of Knowledge!“ 

Hijikata and Sougo froze. 

 

 

The vice-commander panics immediately -of course only in the inside, never show a strand of weakness in front of the enemy!- and glances towards the unwavering stupid-natural-perm-head-stupi-stupid!-Yorozuya who just managed to corner them!

What the hell is he thinking?? They will loose! They will certainly loose! He doesn’t know a freaking thing about him! Except that he is a lazy, sugar addicted, quite astonishing fighter with a decent philosophy, idiotic, jobless, good-for-nothing!! And the idiot certainly knows nothing about him! They are fucked! 

 

 

The first devision captain panics immediately - of course only in the inside, not that he shows any sing of what he thinks in front of anybody -well except of his loved sister, obviously- it would damage his reputation heavily- because… a freaking quiz?? Damn Danna and his fucking sadistic measures! 

-well in fact he admires that about him, he mean he just managed to make anybody wholly freaking terrified with only a few words, and nobody can back out.-

Because he doesn’t know a fucking thing about China, apart from that she is an walking, binge eating, surprisingly gorgeous and sometimes cute, hell of a warrior, idiotic, monstrous annoyance!

 

 

„SECOND!“ The silver haired samurai smiles evil. 

„A Battle of physical matching!“ 

The temperature suddenly drops more than ten degrees. 

 

 

„Ah..haha..Y-y-y-yoruzuya d-d-o y-you really t-think that is n-necessary?“ A dangerously forced smiled plastered on poor vice-commanders face. Gintoki spars him a quick glance and nods determined. 

„O-of course Hijikata-kun! That is a essential part of a human relationship.“ His laugh sounded strange and he nudges him with his arm. 

„D-don’t be shy, Hijikata-kun~. Now that everybody knows it doesn’t matter anymore, right? Right!?“ 

„Haha.. yes.. ahaha .. of course.. haha.“

 

He catches his arm and pulled him closer so that only they could hear them. 

„What are you doing you idiot! Do you want to get yourself killed?“ panic can’t be overheard in his voice. 

„Relax, Ogoushi-kun. We will start with the first round so they have to start in the second. They will surely chicken out, cause seriously, Kagura will never let Sofa-kun near her, and that is our win! Alright? Just go along with it and don’t mess up.“

Hijikata nods reluctantly and they separate, announcing their first go in the round. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... what the fuck is Gintoki thinking? (well he has no choice.. I am the evil author ... but still.. Gintoki come on. don't you learn from other fanfics? ^^)  
> Quick spoiler.. it will come to the second round... yes, it will ;) 
> 
> Also.. do you hate this prejudices too?  
> I was thinking about some stupid anime I was watching, where the moonlight spoke really romantically to some princess (actually I think It kinda happens a lot -_-')   
> and I was like: You serious? Out of nowhere? Of course the fairy or Whatever you are, was waiting her whole life to meet you and then sacrifice his live for you and your stupid unimportant problem ... sure... makes sense -.- 
> 
> Yeah, I like to criticise.. I know it's a bad habit but I just can't bother enough to fix it... ;)
> 
> ANYWAY!  
> Any impressions so far?   
> Does it slightly feel like Gintama? O.O  
> If you bother to comment you're my friend, and see you in a week :)


	4. Questions part 1: Replaced corpses, strip poker and the guy who jumps down a building

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, now here comes the first part of the questions! Yay! Its already the fourth chapter xDD  
> And I thought I will post it earlier because the last one was kinda short...  
> so here it is !  
> Have fun ;)

„So, we are making it like this.

The Jury, Aneu, Kondo and I will ask 3 question at a time to one of you and you both will write down how the other one would answer the question. For example, I will ask Hijikata what Gintokis favorite food is and both of you write the answer on the paper. Than Gintoki will give us his answer and Hijikata will read his own loud and we look if they match. Any questions? No? Alright lets get started.“

 

„They are going to loose this one, they are terrible in matching.“ Kagura nods.

„So when it is our turn we just have to think what the other one would do and write it down. We will surely beat them in this.“

„Course we do, sadist! We are the perfectest couple that ever existed.“ 

 

 

„The First three are for Hijikata to answer. 

1\. You are on the way to a job, passing a café with parfait sales, when you hear a scream and see two men bulling a woman in a back alley. What do you do?“ Shinpachi asked.

 

 

Thats easy! Far too easy! Guess we straight man have to stick together in the end.

Hijikata smiled and answered on the paper. Gintoki gives his paper Shinpachi and nods at him with a confident smile. He smirks back. Of course their similar thinking comes in handy at end.  

When he has the full attention he began to read: 

 

„I run in the back alley, beat up the bandits, check that the girl is safe. Then I give the men to the police and carry on to my job. After that on my way home, I eat a parfait with the money I got from my job.“

He smiles proudly. 

 

Especially the last part was tricky because, of course he would go to the parfait sale but like he knows the perm head, he never got money on him. He turns to Gintoki but finds him evading his eyes. What the..?

„Wrong.“ Shinpachi states calmly and does he seem cold? Wait. What? 

What has he done wrong? He was so sure he managed to think like him!

 

„I immediately go in the café, because the job can wait for this golden opportunity. After I finish my delicious parfait I notice that I don’t have any money on me and fake my identity as Shinpachi and sneak out. On the back alley I meet two nice guys who apparently where beat up by a girl and they pay me to get her back. After the finished job, I go with my full wallet to pachinko and get some drinks.“ 

His words become more frozen near the end. 

 

Hijikata blinks. Once. 

 

Then: 

„ _What the fuck?_ How the hell should I know that you would do something like this? Nobody would ever get this, you idiot! We must work together and be in character goddamn it! How should I know something like  >fake your ID as Shinpachi< HAH? And Bloody hell who in the world order something before he looks if he has money!! How low can you get?“

  
„OI! Don’t get personal here! I only did the thing I normally would do! You should just reason that I fake an ID of an boring character to not be harassed by the waiters, if they see me again-“

 

-„Well Thanks a lot, Gin-san. Don’t think I will ever lend you money again. In fact this explains a lot, like the last time I went to a restaurant…“ -

 

„-And it is your fault for not thinking like me! I am completely in character! You have to adjust and do what I would do! Like >Then I give the men to the police and carry on to my job.<? I would never go to the police! As if I would let you tax robbers have the glory of my work! And if I would had rescued the girl I would have her pay me, so there would be no need to go to the job anymore!“

„Tch! How unreliable can you get? No honor for your or mine work you bastard. And what is this with the man beaten up? Huh? Where did this come from? In the question above it said clearly >two men bulling a woman<! How dumb can you be?“

„SHUT UP! We are in Gintama! There is no way that something so normal and cliché happens! I only did the reasonable thing, to do the unreasonable! In fact, every woman in this anime is a freaking monster, and than there should be something normal and weak like this? No way in hell! Just NO WAY! It was clearly a trick question!“

„What Trick question! The only one tricked was you, you moron!“ Hijikata screamed in despair.

 

„Well that clearly shows how much in sync you truly are, Hijikata.“ Sougo snickers under his hand. 

„I bet your vacations together are _really_ relaxing.“ Kagura didn’t even bother in trying to hide her huge grin and mischievous cackle.

He grits his teeth in anger and slowly calmed himself. 

„Okay. I will try to manage, but you don’t write anything too ridiculous!“ 

„Tch. There is nothing ridiculous in my way of live.“

 „Sure not.“ He mumbles disbelievingly and rolls his eyes. The sugar lover ignored it.

 

 

 

 

„Question 2.“ Otae said smiling. 

„You are in a hostess bar, when you see your love of life laughing with other men. But you know they are in truth part of the yakuza and are trying to hit on her. You have no weapon and no money and you know your love needs this job and the money, to reestablish her dojo and succeed as heroine.“ 

„Tch. Anego, don’t you dare try again to take my spot!“

„Hmm, my, my Kagura-chan. I don’t know what you mean, I just asked a question.“

"Tch! Sneaky women." "Envious child." 

 

Okay, so this is a lot more complicated than the last question, but still manageable. 

No! Wait. The last time he also thought he had the same Idea as Gin- _Yorozuya_ , but it was something completely different.

Try to think like the perm head! 

Try to think ridiculous. 

„Okay done.“ He didn’t bother to glance at the bastard, he must have it right this time!

 

„I casually make an entrance and challenge them at a contest of drinking, the loser has to pay. After we are all wasted, I make an remark about my not stupid permy hair, and we become drink buddies. They tell me they want to quit the Yakuza but didn’t have enough courage, so I go with them, beat the Yakuza boss and they treat me to parfait.“ He paused and looked up. „They never lay hands on my girlfriend ever again. End.“  

Otae smiled at him pleased. „Wrong.“ 

„Noooo!“ 

 

„What the heck did you do, you nicotine freak? Are we in Bleach, or Naruto were every bad guy converts? Were they became best buddies just like that? 

And I would never challenge somebody to a drinking contest!“ Gintoki shouts furious. 

„How should I know? You just did the same at the previous question, asshole! Anyway, what did you write?“ 

 

Otae clears her throat and read poisonously: 

„I immediately ran outside and persuaded a girl to switch clothes with me. Than, as Paako, I calmly make my entrance and challenge them to a party of strip poker-“ 

-„WHAT?“ -

„After we are all in undergarment and they are piss drunk I make an remark about my totally not stupid permy hair and invite them to more percy stuff. We went to their hideout where I beat everybody up and threaten them with spilling how tiny their **** is and how they got beat up by a girl. They then pay me for my silence and my primal goal of eating parfait every day is achieved.“ 

 

„Oi..“ Hijikata seethed in a deep voice „You totally forgot about the girl, didn’t you?“ 

Gintoki deadpans and picks his nose. „Well…“ 

 

„I don’t believe it! Think like you my ass! There is no person in the world who can manage to reason with your behavior! And the only thing we had in common was the remark about the hair? Seriously? This is a lost cause!“ 

„Actually I give you some credit for this. And at least you both challenged the gangsters. So you were not completely off.“ Shinpachi argues kindly. 

 

 

„Hah? Oi, glasses, don’t go easy on them! They are clearly the worst possible match!“ 

„Yes, not be able to guess that Danna is going to cross-dress. Shame on you, Hijikata. If you want to escape this humiliation, fell free to ask.“ He unsheathes his sword.

„I can alway send you far away.“

„How about, you commit seppuku? I am sure my embarrassment will cease if _you’re_ far away.“ 

„How violent Hijikata! And here I wanted to offer my help. Don’t expect me to help you furthermore.“ 

„Help? What help! You just wanted to slice me in half, didn't you?“ 

„Ne, Hijikata, maybe you’re becoming a little bit paranoid. Like when you accused me for standing far away when your car exploded. I think you are nurturing a huge self-centric paranoia, blaming everything that happens on the bystander. Maybe you should resign.“

„Why you!“

 

„Yes, so question 3.“ Kondo interrupted before things could escalate. 

 

 

„You are standing on a rooftop of a skyscraper and a guy and a parfait falls down, but you just have enough time to catch one of them. What do you do?“ 

 

…

okay...

Well, the obvious answer would be to safe the guy. But we are talking about Sakata Gintoki, the parfait loving sugar addict. Who cries if he spills some ice, and risks to got beat up for bargaining only one coupon. 

And he has gotten everything else wrong so far. He glances towards Gintoki who writes concentrated with a wrinkle between the eyes. 

What would he do?

What would he do?

Sweat drops ran down his head, he feels dizzy and starts lightly to tremble.

_What would he do?_

 

„Finished?“ Kondo asked gently. 

He nods. His head is swimming. 

He is doomed.

He coughs and begins to read, failing to stop shaking.

 

„I jump of the roof catching the guys foot and using his hand to get the parfait. Then I throw the both of them back up while mid falling.

I want to grab a flag that is hanging outside the windows, but suddenly a piano crashes out beside me, with a fighting Katsura and Shinsengumi member on top. I manage to land on the piano and kick the police back into the building, thinking I can escape with Katsura, but when I turn he is already flying off with his parachute sending a thank you.

I desperately try to think of a solution, on top of the piano, falling down, when suddenly a huge strawberry milk bottle swallows me and the piano. I think I died till Kagura and Glasses help me out of the milk.

I am standing on the ground of the building and they tell me agitated, that we have a alien invasion, which are currently in the form of strawberry milk and parfaits. I ask the strawberry milk why it saved me, and it told me, that the parfait I rescued was in fact the princess of their planet sugar.

We than manage a peace treaty, because they come to the understanding that humans are worthy of their respect and treat sweets good. After they left I get a national savior badge and a free sugar card, which applies to all of the shops in the world for the rest of my live.“ 

 

Silence.

He breaths loudly.

 

He slowly looked up to a stunned audience. 

Gintoki watches him with huge disbelieving eyes. 

 

„Y-you..“ He starts, unable to comprehend and voice his astonishment. 

But then slowly a sincere and grateful smile crossed his face, and Hijikata felt somehow taken aback. He didn’t know the sugar freak could actually smile so sweet. 

It kind of let him think what else he didn’t know about him. 

And if he could let this smile pass again. 

Of course, all of this didn’t change the outcome. There is no way anybody would think exactly the same in this detail, and they were fully apart before, and -

 

„Thats… right.“ Kondo said absolute bewildered. 

Hijikata blinks. 

He coughs. 

„Ahem. What?“ 

„I said, you had it right. That is exactly the same.“ 

Silence. 

What.The.Actual.Fuck. 

 

„WHAT?“ Four person screamed dumbfounded. 

„That can’t be happening. This is hilarious. Who would get this right?“

„No! I refuse to believe that Gin-chan is on the same level as Mayora! Not my Gin-chan!“

„GIN-SAN! How could you write all this stuff and totally expect Hijikata-san, to think the same? Seriously _you_ should change your way of thinking!“

„So… when I thought, what is the unreasonablest thing, that in this situation would _ever_ happen, I was thinking just like you?“ 

„Yes, well… as the protagonist of Gintama it is the law that the unimaginable always occur.“

He grins childishly. „I am amazed that you grasped it. Good thinking.“

„Yes… well… in fact I _wasn’t_ thinking.“ 

„Like I said. You grasped it.“

 

 

„Okay, so now it is your turn Gin-san. Question 1.

You are on your patrol and walk across an open mayonnaise bottle when you spot Okita-san. What do you do?“ 

 

„Ha. Thats easy.“ Gintoki huffs. Hijikata only raises an eyebrow, not commenting it.

Well it should be obvious what he would do.

 

„Ahem. So. I grab the Mayonnaise bottle from the ground and gulp it immediately. While suffocating in the pleasure, Sofa-kun-“ „Its Sougo.“ „-shoots a bazooka at me, which I can’t avoid due to my attention for the Mayonnaise. I die.“

Silence.

 

„Oh, I like that Danna. Quick thinking there.“

A big vein pops on Hijikata’s head. 

„What the fuck? Did you just die me off? Did you just kill me? AND LIKE THIS? From Sougo? If I should die than at least from the Joui! I’m not that cheep and easy to kill, you asshole!“ 

Gintoki looks puzzled. 

„It’s wrong? Really? No way!“

 

Shinpachi coughs loudly. 

„I deliberately pass the mayonnaise bottle, since I have two more in my pocket and I shouldn’t be too greedy and steel the poor kids their food. Additional is Sougo in sight, meaning, it could be venomed or be a bomb. After I overstep the booby trap, avoid the laser cutter, jump over the trap door and evade a landslide, I continue to follow the leads of the Joui.“ 

 

„Tch. Oi, Mayora! Be more natural. And think more like me, will you?“ 

„What? You crazy? This is your turn! You must think like me! Now don’t blame your failure on me!“

„What failure? It’s a sign of brilliance when I can’t lower myself to your standard.“

„YOU ASSHOLE! And I worked my ass off in trying to think like you! Listen you idiot, we don’t want to loose right? So get your shit together!“

Gintoki picks his nose and waves indifferent, succeeding in angering the vice-commander more.

 

„This is truly wonderful. Hijikata being humiliated and in panic. Nothing I could ask more off.“

„Yeah, Gin-chan obviously didn’t expect them to be so bad. Now if they mess up and we win in this round, then we didn’t need to advance to round two.“

Kagura and Sougo snicker devilish. „It’s certainly our win.“

 

„Question 2.“ Otae starts.

„You are on a raid and storm the house, but when you confront the boss he holds a girl hostage. What do you do?“

 

„I ran towards the boss and ditch the girl -hopefully will she lead a happy live in the afterworld- succeeding in cutting them both down. After I fulfilled my duty I mourn for the civil victim and got caught of guard by Sougo. I get hit by his bazooka and die.“

 

„OI! DO YOU WANNA SAY SOMETHING TO ME? DO YOU WANT ME DEATH, HUH? GOT A PROBLEM WITH ME? SAY IT! I WANNA HEAR IT! I REALLY DO!“

„Oi, how unprofessional Hijikata-kun~. Every human being is fated to die someday. How Shameful, believing you’re different.“ Gintoki tries to hide his smirk but failed deliberately.

„YOU… !“ Hijikata is unable to mouth anything in his fury.

Gintoki snickers. 

 

He loved to tease the man. His angry expression and pulsating vein was sugar to him. Additionally they didn’t need to work anymore. With Hijikata’s lucky strike they had won this round. Hijikata maybe didn’t see it, but the plan of the kids was going to fail horrible. 

Before _they_ could cooperate, the hell would froze. 

Thus, he reasoned, it was a good time for having his fun with him.

Besides, seriously, of course he knew what happens inside of his head.

 

He probably draw back, let the Boss be sniped by one of his man and rescued the girl. 

 

„I let the Boss escape and follow him with our helicopters, all according to the plan. The Boss leads us right to the underground organization, which makes money though organ traffic. As discussed the man storm the place and blockade all escape-routes. When I join my man, I face the Boss. He held his pistole at the head of the girl. I grin and in a epic high-speed move behead him. After I helped the curiously shocked hostage, we succeed in eliminating the whole evil organization.“

 

… Huh? What? He was in the wrong? N-no way. He thought he could think like him, for sure.

Really? He failed in analyzing the Mayora? He never failed. If he misjudged a person on the battlefield he would die. 

Does this mean, their fight would be even? Outcome not predictable? 

The angry nicotine addict was totally foreseeable. 

He only needs to provoke him once and he is totally open. 

It couldn’t be that the Mayora was only like that with him, could it?

Hijikata couldn’t possible trust him, could he?

And did he let himself be vulnerable for thinking the other was inferior to him? 

Does this mean he trusts him as well?

…

No way. Not happening.

He can definitely read him. 

He will prove it. The next question. He will certainly have it right then. 

 

 

 

 

„Question 3. You are standing on a rooftop of a skyscraper and a guy and a Mayonnaise bottle falls down, but you just have enough time to catch one of them. What do you do?“ Kondo asks.

…

Huh? This is the exact question he asked Hijikata! Has the Gorilla mercy? Is he helping us to the goal? No. He surely thinks this is a trick question. 

But, its’s easy right? He just have to do the exact same thing like before. 

You know this, right Hijikata-kun? You understand what we must do, right?

That is his chance of getting it right! Not that he needs Hijikata’s help for thinking like him. No. Not he.

He glances to his side and sees a distressed man, writing with a wrinkle between his eyes.

Okay, alright, he got it. They are clearly thinking the same. 

No way he will disappoint himself again. 

Surely not. He will certainly manage to make it this time!

„Okay, I am done.“ He mumbles.

Oi, why am I so nervous? This is only a game! No point in getting anxious!

 

„I jump of the roof catching the guys foot and using his hand to get the Mayonnaise. Then I throw the both of them back up while mid falling. I want to grab a flag that is hanging outside the windows, but suddenly a piano crashes out beside me, with a fighting Sougo and joui Patriots on top.

I manage to land on the piano and kick the patriots back into the building, thinking I can escape with Sougo, but when I turn he is already jumping off with a bungie jumping rope, sending a „Die Hijikata.“ and a time bomb.

I quickly manage to throw it away, making a huge explosion in the building while desperately trying to think of a solution, on top of the piano, falling down, when suddenly a huge Mayonnaise bottle swallows me and the piano.

I think I died till Sougo slashes the bottle, barely missing me, and Kondo helps me out of it. I am standing on the ground of the building and they tell me agitated, that we have a alien invasion, which are currently in the form of Mayonnaise bottles.

I ask the Mayonnaise why it saved me, and it tells me, that the mayo bottle I rescued was in fact the princess of their planet sour. We than manage a peace treaty, because I willed into marrying the Mayonnaise princess and thus are worthy of their respect and they understand that humans treat sour things good. After we get off to the Mayoplanet I get a national savior badge and live happily as the prince of Mayo for the rest of my live.“

 

Silence. 

He look up to a annoyed audience. 

„What?“ He shouts offended.

„Gin-san, you truly have no imagination. That’s exactly the same Hijikata-san said before.“

„Yeah! Don’t be so cheep Gin-chan! Don’t drop to Mayoras level!“ 

-„OI!“-

„But the bungee jump rope was a good idea. Maybe I should try it sometime.“

Gintoki looks at Hijikata who glares at him irritated, eyes scrunched, teeth gritted. 

„You stupid Bastard. Didn’t we already agreed that this action requires no thinking? Didn’t you yourself said that this only happens to you, the protagonist?“

„Oi, why are you so angry? Maybe I said it but still we are in Gintama, so..“

„Since when did I act so stupid? I’m not the protagonist, but a side character you Dickhead! I’m not as ridiculous and unreasonable like you!“

 

„Yes, about that..“ Kondo initiates blankly. 

„I will read it now….

 

I immediately catch the Mayo bottle and secure her tightly to my chest. When I look over the edge and see a dead body I pick my cellphone and call the ambulance and Kondo-san in telling him, that one of the mischievous plans of the Joui had succeeded.

I then search for Yamazaki and beat him up for not spying the area properly, because something horrible like this happened. When I got home I place the Mayonnaise safely in my cupboard, thanking the mayo god that nothing more terrifying happened, like that it actually fall over.

Luckily it only got a scare but nothing more serious. I go to bed, proud of myself of the work accomplished today.“

 

Shocked silence. 

 

Sougo stares at Hijikata disapprovingly, Kagura still in the process of progressing the information -moth wide open-, Shinpachi speechlessly trying to mouth something, Otae musters him coldly, Kondo having a look of disappointment and Gintoki simply gaping wide eyed. 

„What?“ Hijikata shouts offended. „The mayonnaise was clearly in distress!“

 

 

„I think something in your head is in distress. Your braincells probably drowned in the yellow cream of horror. Didn’t know your disease was already this far in progress. My mistake.“

„No, no Danna, this isn’t a disease, it’s a mutation. If it was a sickness he should have died already. It didn’t happen, sadly.“

„I am never going to wonder why you are this stupid ever again, sadist.“

„I kinda feel ditched. I thought we were straight-man-buddies. And now you betray me and join the side of the ridiculous characters. Don’t think we will ever have a straight-man dinner again! You’re history, you hear? I never want to see you again! Lead a lucky live on the other side without me!“ 

(„No! Our straight-man dinners!“)

„Wow, Glasses, you’re not only a transformation thief and a loser without character, now you leveled up to a abandoned house wife.“ Kagura flips to Sougo. „Now I understand why he is so itchy one time in the month.“

„I’m not a girl! I only become itchy when you guys leave trash lying around in the whole house!“

„This wasn't quite convincing, Patsuan.“

„If you weren’t my stupid stalker and a disgusting gorilla and man, I would feel sorry for you. Not only a bazooka firing sadist brat, but also a mental disordered vice-commander. No wonder you cling to the full-of-love-giving me.“

Kondo still stares blankly into space. 

 

„Toshi… Didn’t I already told you last time that we could replace your Mayonnaise bottles, but not the person?“

„No, Go-..Kondo-san! It isn’t the same! I can’t live with the thought of loosing one! Each of them have individuality! I can’t just replace them! Replace the person, for all I care!“ 

„No.. Toshi, we can’t replace a person. We can only hide the corpse.“ A tiny tear roles down at the corner of his eye. 

 

„Tch. Damn gorilla. Of course we can replace the guy. Just get one of the orphans, teach him how the other one had lived, talked, walked and wait till it is an adult, then give him a make-over and you have a perfect copy. Easy right?“

„Yeah… easy…“ Kondo couldn’t hold back his tears, streaming freely and moisten his jacket.

 

„Oi. Gorilla. Did you just said >last time<?“

„Kondo-san I have lost faith in the police, in the government and especially in the Shinsengumi.“

„Gorilla, I always knew you were scum, but I didn’t expect you to decease to the shit of the flies who eat the scum.“

„Oi, Gorilla. You just destroyed the dreams of these Children. Take responsibility, will you.“

„Kondo-san. Can I kill this Mayo monster now? It clearly damages our reputation.“

„Like I said, just replace the corpse, eliminate the witnesses, bribe the higher-ups and everything will go fine.“

„No, nothing will go fine, your brain is already beyond hope.“ Gintoki deadpans and knocks on his skull. After hearing a echo he nods and gives him a card of ~~Yorozuya~~ Gin-san’s _Psychotherapy_.

Hijikata burns it and they reduce their argument to a simple fistfight.

 

…

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, yes... I know it's not 100% in character and in the most fics Hijikata is always the straight man...   
> but he has his unreasonable fetish's too and honestly, I like them both being totally absurd :D  
> Also... noticed how they always got something positive in their thoughts about the other? (well mostly in the last chapter but it continues through the story..)  
> Well, anyway, soon there will be the second part with Kagura and Sougo..   
> will they beat them in the game? Any ideas of how they will answer the questions? O.O  
> Hope you laughed and liked it so far... and till next week :)  
> (and yeah I noticed I am becoming more and more uncreative trough the chapters but seriously my brain is dead -_-') ^^


	5. Questions part 2: The Church of holy glasses, a perfect Woman, and of course has every Ship a self-destruction-button!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys for the delay ... Don't know why am this late but... I am... yeah.. -_-'  
> nevertheless here is the new chapter! Already 5..  
> Only 2 more chapters to go! (wow, time truly went fast...)  
> And Enjoy :3

 

„Okay, China it’s our turn. We will clearly destroy them, just do the thing we spoke about.“

„Roger, Captain. I will write down what you think that I would do, and not what I would really do. And the other way round. Easy Peasy, Sir!“ 

„Yes, the questions are all somewhat the same, so we say just what we thought before, Lieutenant.“

They snicker evil and turn around to the audience. 

 

„We are on the task.“

Sougo said while giving the other pair a superior smirk. 

„There will be no second round for you.“ Kagura stated, staring Gintoki down. 

 

Both of them gulped. Looked like the two kids had really managed to cooperate for a while, unlike them. 

 

„That’s wholly your fault, you Mayo Bastard!“ 

„What? Who was the one, who killed me of, ha? And it was your damn idea in the first place!“ 

„Tch. Don’t try to override your total lack of judgement by the skyscraper question!“ 

„It was the only choice I could have done!“ 

„Yeah, and you scold me, when I would jump down the building! What you’re doing is far worse!“ 

„AS IF! The only one who is a diabetic dickh-“ 

„Silence!“

Shinpachi demanded and to his surprise the people obeyed. He was wondering if he had miraculous gained authority -and thought about commanding them around- but little did he know, that his sister was glaring behind him.

 

 

„Okay, so the first three are for Sougo to answer. 

Question 1. You’re on a dancing party on a space ship with your friend Soyo, when suddenly pirates attack and the ship is starting to sink. What do you do?“

 

 

„WHAT?? That is completely different then the last questions! OI SHINPACHI! Do you want to die, hah? You want to fail us, HUH?“

„Tch. Damn brat. Underestimated him.“ 

Shinpachi huffs offended and pushes his glasses up. 

„I am neutral. But we have to do it fair, and you could easily have thought about your answer before hand. Therefore, different tasks.“ 

 

Gintoki and Hijikata nod approvingly.

„You heard it Kagura, Sofa-kun. In the cause of justice!“ 

„Yeah, Sougo. Did this ruined your plan? Do you want to give up? We mustn’t go so far, if you don’t want to ashame yourself.“ Hijikata cackled hugely and shared a superior smile with Gintoki. 

„OH? What’s that? Has Hijikata-san suddenly become an S? Can’t be, must be the influence of Danna.“ 

He bowed to the silver haired man. „You have trained him well.“ 

 

„WHAT WAS THAT?“ The smoker screamed, already unsheathing his sword. Only Gintoki’s hand on his wrist held him back. 

„Oi, Ogoshi-kun! Don’t be swayed by the enemy. We have the upper hand. They can do nothing.“ Hijikata relaxed visible and stood up. 

„I know.“ He mumbles and hides his face behind a cigarette, trying to establish his coolness anew. 

 

„Hmpf. Don’t let your hopes down, captain!“ Kagura rumbled, eyes narrowed and lips scrunched, a face of utterly seriousness. 

„Despite what the fools say, we are still in the better position. Than unlike them, we can work together. We already heard what we would do by the previous question, thus it will be no effort to advance this knowledge to the new ones! And otherwise them, we can overlook our errors and pride, doing what must be done!“

Sougo’s eyes become serious too, and he watches her determination. „You are right, Lieutenant. We are going to war.“

They both snatched papers, pencils and began to write.

 

 

This is, even though it is different from the questions before, not this difficult. To top it off he will write what he thought Kagura would do, and she will do the same.

So in conclusion it is much more realistic that they have the same outcome, because both were writing what he thought about China. 

Okay, what will she do?

 

Okay, what will Sougo think she will do?

They will surely win this game. Gin-chan and the stupid Mayora couldn’t think ahead and cooperate by changing their answers. But they had none of this problem. She just had to write how the super sadist would think she would act.

That was quite easy, their daily banter will not go to waste!

„Done.“ Sougo spoke nonchalant. He gave a quick glance to China, who grinned mischievous at him. 

 

 

„ I grab Soyo and waltz with her through the enemy line attempting to escape with the safe boats. When we arrive they were already gone or destroyed, thus I hide Soyo there and barge into the enemy ship, where I beat the living shit out of everything that comes across me.

When I found the captain I accidentally broke his neck and both ships are now crashing down. In a lousy attempt to drive I crash the wheel and trigger the self-destruction-button. Out of options I quickly hurry to Soyo, grab her and jump of the ship, falling to the earth.

I mobilize my alien power, strengthening all my muscles and crash into the ground, eroding a monstrous hole in the stone. I then safely climb out of it unscratched -as the alien monster I am- and proceed with Soyo to the nearest city.

She has a serious trauma and a newly found angst for heights -don’t know where this comes from, must be the damn pirates fault- but at least she isn’t squashed under a pile of iron, that ceased to be a ship, like the other passengers.

They later found out that the pirates where amateurs and could have easily be disarmed to save everybody, if not for a mysterious person that broke the steering wheel.“

 

Kagura screamed.

„WHAT? What is that? How dare you insult my work capacities! I could easily have destroyed the whole ship before the self-destruction-button triggered! And anyway! How dare you think of me like this! That is something I could have _done_ , you moron!“

„Damn, you China! What did you do this time?“ 

„I? It’s you! You should have wrote down, what you _think_ what I do! Not what I actually do!“ 

„What did you say, Alien? Seems like you don’t quite understand the concept of speaking. I understand, immigrants have it hard this times, but still… Did your digging for gold nuggets maybe accidentally throw out your brain? Not that it would surprise me in the least. It was only a matter of time before your evolution of animal DNA kicks in.“

Sougo deadpans. 

Kagura fumes, unable in avenging her through words alone and tries punching and kicking him, but she is lacking to much in concentration to actually hit. 

Shinpachi watches a minute, than clears his throat and begins reading.

 

 

„I, the gorgeous helpless girl Kagura, scream frightened, and ran, Soyo at hand, to the exit. Suddenly one of the pirates grabs and separates me from Soyo. My glamorous dress is drenched in dirt and I struggle, unable to realize this horrendous situation, as suddenly a sword strikes the evil men.

When I turn to my rescuer, my breath catches in my throat and I barely avoid falling into coma, by the dazzling view of this strong man. His shiny blond hair flutters in the wind and his black jacket spoke from feral and masculinity. He says he is from the Shinsengumi, here to protect this ship. 

>But then, (he whispers with a deep, rough voice) my eyes lay sight on you, beautiful, and I suddenly have this strong urge to be by your side. <

And thus we escape the crashing ship with a safe boat and I obey willingly into becoming his slave, prepared to do anything my Master -who saved me- orders me to do. I live happily and loved till I die. End.“

 

 

Sougo didn’t even have the strength left to argue. He opens his mouth but nothing comes out, to terrified by this outcome. 

How the hell could somebody misunderstood so … completely crazy?

They are fucked.

Totally fucked.

And no way in hell are her eyes _this_ gorgeous to abandon his mission. 

And as if she would smile and succumb just because he saved her live. 

He knows, he had tried already. 

Misleading bitch. 

Incorrupt wrench. 

She will pay. Oh boy, she will pay for this.

His eyes shine in a dreadful light as he stare upon his archenemy for life time.

 

 

A cold shudder ran across her spine and she Instantly roll to Sougo, but his expression is as emotionless as ever. 

Still, she could have sworn that she saw one of his challenge-for-life-and-death-glares.

Must be her imagination. 

Anyway, the only one to blame was himself for writing something this ridiculous.

As if she didn’t knew, he is secretly crazy over her. 

Of course, he is. Every male being was head over heels for her. How couldn’t they be, she was fucking gorgeous. 

The perfect woman, the perfectest heroine, and thus she was obviously the perfectest perfectestestestes… well fuck, what was the superlative of it again?

Wait, did it have one in the first place? Ah, human language was so complicated. But wait, it doesn’t matter anyway, cause she was the perfectest heroine and star of this anime, thus it was clearly her full right to invent new words! 

So, where was she? Ah right. 

And thus it was plain obvious that she was the perfectest perfectestesgorgeoushotterandbetterthananyone lover soon to be. 

So it only reasons that every male wants her. Of course nobody is good enough for her good like status, but she likes to be admired. 

Especially from this super sadist/pain in the ass tax robber! 

Not that his opinion matters, or something. 

She just likes the idea of him on the knees. 

Begging. Suffering. Wriggling. Sweating. Moaning. Pleasuri- …

Haha .. PAIN…he was in pain… yes.. 

…Kagura.

Just remember when he killed Ranmaru 13. What do you feel? 

Hate. Rage. Nothing else, right?

… Yeah, clearly nothing else.

She picks her nose and pushes this uncomfortable though in the back of her head, to other things like feelings about her brother, her deceased mother, the blood drenched man who didn’t move when she overran him last year with Sadaharu…

Yeah, nothing to worry about.

 

 

 

„The next Question.“ Otae cuts in. 

„It’s your birthday and when you come home from work early to celebrate it with your lover, you find him ******* another woman, younger than you, with long hair, more beautiful than you, more slimmer than you, more sexier than you, more freaking cuter than you, with her damn sweet smile and her lovely laugh that makes you hurl and wanna rip her damn heart out of her chest and eat it alive _still beating!_

 _So what do you do?_ “ She whispers terrifying. 

 

The air around her somewhat seemed much colder. 

„Eh, Nee-san, you know that didn’t happen to you, right? You know you don’t have a lover to make this happen, right?“

„BROTHER IN LAW! Even _you_ are this cruel! She has me! ME! Of course I would never-“ A fist from said woman broke in his teary monolog. 

 

„Shin-chan. Wether I have a lover now or not, doesn’t matter. This kind of thing happens to every woman in the near future. Because men are human trash, only acting on tribe alone. It is only right for women to take revenge out on every male being. Even you, my sweet Shin-chan, will one day commit this sin. Come here and I will put you out from your misery.“

„Ahaha..“ He steps back „You know, I suddenly remembered I forgot something at work.“ He tries to flee, but Kagura and Gintoki grabs his shoulders looming evil over him. 

 

„Yes, Patsuan. Show your gori- sister some respect! Atone your trespassing, Shinpachi. Atone for being a man!“

„Yes, Shinpachi. You filthy man, want to run from your past! I’m ashamed in trusting your spectacles! Your shining glance of wise knowledge and square is a fake that mislead me in my judgement!“ 

Shinpachi twitched. 

 

„WHAT? GIN-SAN! You are a man, too! And much more filthier than me! Just remember when you where drunk and groped young girls!“

„Oi, Glasses, that was a one-time thing! ONE-TIME! Don’t drag me down with you!“

  
„AND WHO WANTS TO RUN AWAY FROM THE PAST! More like from my **future**! Because all of this never happened!! And you never were mislead in your judgement anywhere! You clearly judged me from the very beginning! What shine of knowledge, huh? Only wearing glasses don’t make me clever! Get it already! And Square? You just offended me even when you were praising me? How much am I worth in you eyes, huh!  AND I AM JUST AS OLD AS YOU!“

 

„Oi, Glasses, I know it is harsh venturing through the world, misjudged from everybody. But we are different. We see your genius in your sun reflection, and your old soul and body when your human stumbles and you fell to the ground, unable to move due to your age-“

„NO!!!!! GLASSES CAN NEVER MOVE ON THERE OWN, **EVEN WHEN THEY ARE YOUNG!** (Which by the way, they aren’t I bought them just two months ago.)

BECAUSE THEY ARE **NOT LIVING**!! AND HOW PREJUDICED ARE YOU? ONLY BECAUSE IT HAS SPECTACLES IT IS A GENIUS? DOES THE BRAIN MEANS NOTHING? ARE YOU LOOKING DOWN ON GENIUSES? YOU CLEARLY ARE, RIGHT? APOLOGIZE! APOLOGIZE TO ALBERT EINSTEIN AND THE OTHERS RIGHT NOW!“

„Tch. Getting this excited over some damn old geezers, who didn’t wear glasses. Not even a Monocle. Can’t believe this human doesn’t know his own worlds rules. Thinking anyone could be a genius. Tch. How laughable.“

 

„Oi, Gin-san. What did you taught her? Her ignorance is beyond comprehending. She is turning into a believer of the holy glasses church! Gin-san! ..Gin-san? Gin-sa-“

He fall silent.

Gintoki had put some spectacles and a white robe on and read some foreign verses out of a book, that looks suspiciously like a scribbled jump magazine. Kagura had also switched to glasses -but red ones- and sat obediently before him with a serious expression on her face, randomly speaking some texts in unison.

Kodou who had dried his tears pads his back. „I know it tough seeing your beloved fall into the claws of a sect, but don’t worry brother-in-law. We are your new family now, and welcome you with open arms.“

Shinpachi deadpans. „Thanks.“ He said drily.

 

 

Hijikata watched the comedy trio and coughed in trying to hide his laughter. How could some people this ridiculous even exist?

„I saw that.“ Sougo whispers in his ear and he jolts. 

„W-w-what? I-i don’t know what you’re t-talking about.“ 

Sougo's smirk spread wider. „Sure you don’t.“ 

Hijikata relaxes a little. Maybe he didn’t saw an-

„That’s why I took a picture of you laughing about them.“ He held it under his nose. 

„Here, see? The glee in your eyes and your smile that clearly said, how funny? Should I show it to Danna, to get his opinion?“

He seized for it but Sougo pulled away in time. 

 

„Give it.“ He demands, barely able to hold back his anger. 

„What was that? You don’t believe me? I should post it on Facebook to get some reviews?“

„Give. It.“ 

„No? You want, that I show it your underlings? The Shinsengumi’s opinion will certainly convince you, you are right.“

„GIVE! IT!“ 

„Well, you see I can’t decide which of the options is the best, so maybe I will do them all? That sounds good, doesn’t it?“

He roars and slashed at him with his Katana. 

 

„Woah! Referee! Referee! HIjikata is cheating! He wants to eliminate the innocent me to win this bet! Referee, I personally advice you to slaughter him for his rule break.“

„Don’t bother. I will kill you and get rid of the witness at the same time! This will solve all problems!“He screamed and aimed at him again.

Sougo dodged and smirked more gleeful. 

„Referee! Referee! Hijikata wants to defy your power! I personally recommend to stone him to death. Or maybe behead him, then you are sure he won’t survive and haunt you. Although he probably would do it anyway, after all he is a demon from hell.“

„YOU DAMN BRAT! Stop moving and I will show you how demonic I truly am!“ 

„Ah, well, even though your kind proposal sounds alluring, I think I will pass.“ 

He dodged an attack again. 

 

„What proposal? It’s an order! I order you as your vice-commander, stay still and let yourself be killed!“

„Whoa! Easy there. I know Hijikata is envious about my supreme sword style, but I never thought you would go to this length…“

„Ahahahaha“ The demon with a cigarette between his lips laughed crazy, his blue eyes emanating a murderous light.

Enough was enough.

Then before something dangerous could happen, a hand landed on his arms, breaking his focus on the blond, giving him back his senses. Gintoki tightened his grip on him and lowered his sword arm including the Katana. 

 

„Sorry Ogoushi-kun, but I can’t let you damage our reputation. We will win this bet fair and square.“ The raven head blinked confused. 

He slowly came back to reality and cursed himself for letting his temper get the better of him. He could have seriously wounded Sougo in this state of mind. Though it was his fault in the beginning, but still, he wouldn’t forgive himself, if something happened to Mitsuba’s younger brother.

 

But he must compliment the Yorozuya for getting this close. Anybody else wouldn’t leave without some important limbs absent. 

It’s as if his body didn’t think of him as a threat. 

…

Completely impossible, of course.

Why would he treat him like that? 

Makes absolutely no sense at all.

Stupid brain for coming up with this nonsense. 

Better focus on the devil brats loosing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah.. only one question in this chapter but in the next you will see Kagura and Sougo fully xD  
> And, some ideas about Kagura's.. thoughts? ;P (she truly has nothing to worry about ... clearly^^)  
> Hah, and I had to do some Hijikata/Sougo banter.. don't know if it's realistic, I am really bad with Sougo ..-_-'  
> Well, anyway, hope you had fun, nice weekend and see you the next one.  
> (maybe sooner, because I was late this time :) )


	6. Questions part 3: First Love, Ramses and everyone needs a Ciel!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY! I am truly sorry! 2 weeks in delay.. I am properly ashamed of myself T.T  
> And.. I have no good excuse at hand.. well, yeah.. anyway as an apology I am uploading both last chapters now  
> ( and this one isn't so long, therefore :))  
> enjoy the second to last chapter of my fic!

_„The next Question.“ Otae cuts in._

_„It’s your birthday and when you come home from work early to celebrate it with your lover, you find him ******* another woman, younger than you, with long hair, more beautiful than you, more slimmer than you, more sexier than you, more freaking cuter than you, with her damn sweet smile and her lovely laugh that makes you hurl and wanna rip her damn heart out of her chest and eat it alive still beating! So what do you do?“ She whispers terrifying._

* * *

 

 

Okay. She thinks I adore her? I will show her how much exactly I do.

Sougo glares in her direction and Kagura shivers unconsciously.

 

Okay. How would he think I react? Wait, no. This is a matter of justice. Screw our arrangement. Just stay by the truth. 

 

In a matter of seconds they both had their stories written down and Sougo immediately begins poisonously  to read his one.

 

„I break out in tears and scream so loud the windows burst. I fall to the ground and punch it, still yelling. When my boyfriend comes to me I accuse him cheating and when he says he doesn’t love me anymore, I ran desperately out of the apartment. At home I light a candle on my self made cake and drown in self-pity. I then decide to diet and sell my body in gaining my new lost self-esteem. After two years I succumb to drugs and finally die of underweight.“ 

 

Kagura didn’t bother in passing her paper, instead she throws her words challenging and seething in anger at him.

„I laugh haughtily and go to the woman in question. I then tell her, that the blond ex-boyfrien with red eyes is a conman and sadist, who sleeps with woman to get their wallets. I had hired a detective, due to his suspicious behavior and he discovered, that the man was in fact poor and jobless with lots of criminal records. The girl is as offended as I am, and we throw him my present for him in the face. It was a smell bomb I bought, paying him back on my birthday, retrieving my pride. We both laugh at him and then go to a restaurant exchanging storys. We like each other and became best friends, move in a shared flat together, discovere that we are lesbian and live without a guy happily ever after!“

 

„Tch! You ugly women! I would never be so careless as to be caught by a mere detective! I am the best professional sadist -and thus stalker, sniper, swindler, assassin and hangman- on this planet! And to top it off I have good police connection! They would subtle kill the detective before he could find anything!“

„Hah! Stupid Sadist! I would never be so low as to commit suicide with drugs! If I have to die, than I will murder as much as I can before I go! Never heard of Jack the Ripper? Thats me in one of my past lives! Thats why I like the color red! Read between the lines, you moron!“

 

„Tch. Jack the Ripper? Who was that again? Some poor english man who doesn’t have anything better to do than to demonstrate his anatomic knowledge for fun? _I_ on the other hand, was the great Pharaoh Ramses II.! I killed millions of people and ruled a world power with strong hands! I invented the new Sungod as the main god! My underlings feared me but they still followed my commands! Thats true power!“ 

„Pharao? What Pharao? Never heard of them. Must be some of the insignificant leaders of tiny rotten countries who died nevertheless. I on the other hand was also the great Jesus who was the son of God! I brought the people peace and a religion that lasted till this era! And I lived eternal!“

  
„Oh really? Quick question. If you lived eternal, how could that be your past life?“

 

„…I was bored from living with my old dad, okay! Every kid has to grow up at one point! It’s only normal to leave and go out into the big wide world!“

„China.“ He starts annoyingly emotionless „God would never unleash a underdeveloped brat like you on an unsuspecting world. It would be the apocalypse. And for all I can see you haven’t got your four riders, so try to fool somebody else.“

„Tch. Should have bought three more Sadaharus. Knew I would regret it.“

 

 

Shinpachi deadpans. „Gin-san. I taught she found him in the streets.“ 

Gintoki pauses, stressed in finding a plausible solution as to not disappoint his believing student. Then he relaxes and answers steady and confident. 

„Patsuan, don't sweat the small stuff! Girls always lie to look better in front of their crush. Don't listen to her, it's only natural for a hormone filled brat like her!“ 

Shinpachi blanched. 

 

„G-g-gin-s-san… you don’t mean… that Kagura is really.. in l-l-ov-“ He flares up and stutters unable to pronounce the last syllables.

Gintoki gives him a knowing look and nods sympathetically. 

„I know it is difficult to accept but we must support her in her feelings. The first love is always special, above all for a young energetic girl like her.“

 

„B-b-but Gin-san! Kagura is too young for an adult like him! He is at least 4 years older than her, and he is a sadist to top to off! What honorable mother would give her daughter to a cruel sadist? We must stop her and protect her innocence!“

Gintoki looked shocked.

„Shinpachi! I didn’t know you disliked him so strongly. Why didn’t you say so earlier? I always thought you approved him, like I did? When Kagura brought him in, you liked him too, didn’t you?“ 

Shinpachi paused.

„What? Gin-san, when did you ever approved of Okita-san? I knew he bribed you with Dangos, but did you sell her off for sweets? Is this in fact a arranged marriage? Was all of this anime a facade? For illegal slavery selling? Was I the only one not informed? Am I also bought off? No in fact, please, have you also bought me off? I don’t want to be the only one alone! But to serve an old perverted geezer for the rest of my live, I don’t know if I can live with this pressure! And it is illegal! But on the other hand you would only give me to a decent person! I am torn! I don’t know what to do! GIN-SAN! WHO IS IT? WHERE IS MY NEW MASTER?“

He screamed wide eyed, arms swaying in the air like an idiot. His hair flies around his head and he looks completely insane. 

 

Gintoki slowly raises his hand. „Your master“ he starts „is Ciel.“ 

Hijikata gave him a look. 

Gintoki seems to not notice and continues to near his hand to the maniac while speaking in a low and steady voice.

„He is young - in fact maybe to young, who the hell likes Shotacon anyway, eh? They only want to disturb the reader and make him freak out the whole time like: is this really going to happen? No, it can’t be! Aah no it happens, aah~

so that you must buy the next manga, because if you don’t you can’t sleep because all you’re thinking about is will he, will he not, will he… and before you know it you are in a demonic cycle of read and buy and you can’t get out!- and he has a nice butler -who is in fact a demon, but I am sure he will treat you good as a fellow slave- and there is this grim reaper-“ 

Shinpachi and Kagura punched him in the face and sent him flying into the unlucky Hijikata.

 

Well, more like Kagura sent him flying, Shinpachi strength could be comparable to one of an ant. Not to be mislead, the glasses are fairly strong, but well the human…

„WILL YOU QUIT IT ALREADY!“ Shinpachi yells to the sky and after some dubious looks from the bystanders he blushes and mumbles something about voices from outside. 

 

After Gintoki freed himself of a surprisingly soft and curiously blushing demonic vice-commander and gave Otae one of his Psychotherapist cards he scrambles to his companions.

„Oi, Kagura, why did you punch me? Didn’t we already talk about violence in the scree time? Do we have to go to the screenplay writer again?“ She pouts and looks away. 

„You deserved it. You said that I was in l-l…“ She blushed slightly and glanced -probably not so subtle like she thought- towards Sougo. 

He seems to ignore her stare and gives Gintoki a plain look. 

 

„Yes, Danna. What was that all about, huh? No way in hell would the monster fall for me. I have tried once in seducing her for a assassin plan, but it failed completely.“

The red head perks up.

„OH! Thats why you where so nice that one day and gave me Sukonbu ice! I accepted it because I thought you got amnesia!“ Then her voice becomes threatening. „What did you instill me, huh? It better be nothing disgusting!“ 

He looks directly in her blue eyes and didn’t blink while answering. „It was narcotics for Elephants.“ 

A pause. „It didn’t work.“ 

 

The group breathed shocked -except Kagura, who still was thinking about what Elephants where again. Hijikata gives him a glare and Sougo evades his eyes. 

„I was young and innocent these days! I underestimated her alien body! But I learned from my failures!“ He defended himself pleadingly. 

„You could have killed her!“ Gintoki screamed.

„Do you know what that would mean? I would be a dead man, you hear? Her dad will come and squash me and than he will squash this whole planet and every human being in the universe! And than her brother will regret his choice of life and will start a war in her name against every living being! And than the cosmos will die! YOU HEAR ME? EVERYTHING WILL DIE ! DON’T FUCKING DO THIS EVER AGAIN! I AM TO YOUNG TO DIE!“

 

Sougo blinks surprised and a hint of concern glowed in his red eyes. He turns to Kagura who was slightly abashed. 

„That’s true?“ She scratches her ear and evades her eyes. 

„Well.. I don’t think Nii-san will start a war in my name.... He always likes to have his name in the front.“

„Ah.“ Sougo deadpans. „All the more reason to kill you. I will just say it was Hijikata. Two birds with one stone.“ Her eyes widen a bit and she looks strangely content with his answer. 

Wonder why, he thought.

 

„Still, what was that about, Gin-san?“ The reanimated Shinpachi asked. 

„What was about what?“ Gintoki countered, casually picking his nose.

„That Kagura is in l-l-ov-“ he broke apart again. 

Gitnoki watches his distress and than turns to the waiting audience, all observing him with suspicious eyes. 

„Oh. that.“ He scratches his head. „I was talking about Sadaharu, obviously. Don’t know what you came up with…“ he trailed off. #

 

Shinpachi fumed and Kagura grinned oh so brightly. 

„YOU ARE RIGHT! Sadaharu is my first love!“ She shouts happily and jumps on the place. 

Sougo gives her a disapproving look and she shows him her tongue. 

Hijikata harrumphs and as he gained ever ones attention whispers quietly. 

„I think we shouldn’t talk about first love right know.“ About their confused stare he silently pointed at a -again- deeply crying Kondo and they all nod in agreement. 

 

„Well anyway, who is going to ask the last question? Since Gorilla is clearly not in shape?“ Sougo took them back on course. 

The eyes focus on Shinpachi. He immediately recoils. 

„No! I already did my share. Your insanity is to much for me! Anymore and I can see a silver line on the horizon with my name on it!“ 

They turn to Otae, but: „No.“ 

Arms crossed and lips crunched she looks up, her aura threatening them to challenge her, waiting to release all of her anger of her failed mission. 

 

They quickly turn around till they face each other. Gintoki coughs and Hijikata lights a cigarette while Sougo and Kagura tried to override their loose of face by glaring at each other.  

Heavy silence where they tried to think about an solution of this trap situation. 

 

„How about, we cancel the first test -we all were horrible in the first place- and skip ahead to the second one?“ Hijikata finally suggested. 

Gintoki nods in agreement. „Yes, thats a good idea.“ He glances at the couple. „But of course you have to start, because we did the first time. That’s only fair.“

Kagura grimaced but Sougo nods hesitantly.

„Alright Danna. But when we are finished you must do the same and more to beat us.“ Gintoki grins devilishly. 

„That speaks for itself, brat. But first you must have the courage to do it.“ 

Sougo answers with his sadistic smirk. 

„No worries, Danna. You should better prepare yourself. I rather doubt, that your nicotine stock is as good as my wildcat here.“ He lays a possessive hand over said wildcats shoulder.

 

Kagura jolts but strangely enough it comforted her. That was weird. 

She should be disgusted by his domineering behavior. 

But instead she found herself rather… enjoying it? 

Dangerous thought, Kagura! 

A voice warned her from the inside and she instinctually backed away.  

 

At Sougo’s bewildered look, she came to her senses and understood the weight of her action.

„Sorry guys, but I have to go to the toilet, okay? After that we can go on.“ She managed to safe themselves and quickly ran off. 

Gintoki and Shinpachi changed a suspicious look and Hijikata interrogated his subordinate with -not really surprising- no result. 

 

„Oi, Yorozuya, you think, maybe they are really…?“ He whispers shortly after in Gintoki’s ear. 

Gintoki hesitated. 

„No. Can’t be. She is to young.“ He looks in his ocean deep blue eyes. „You?“ 

He wavers. 

„No. He is to dumb to realize anything like this.“

They slowly nod semi-convincing and accompanied each other in content silence till the said girl reappeared.

„So, now it’s your turn for the second battle.“ The adult pair smiled cruelly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, yeah, I don't know but I am reading this chapter now and it's really bad... but anyway I had to come to the more promising second part of the test so spare me ;)  
> And sorry for everyone who had hoped for a test result or something...  
> AND.. keep reading, the truth of their feelings will be revealed O.O


	7. The second battle OR Mayo and Sugar God have apparently something in common

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woho!!! Here comes the last one!! Can't believe it's already the end  
> 7 weeks ago I posted the first chapter (really a long time) and yeah...  
> the finish smexyness I promised is all in this chapter!^^ (hope you like it)  
> And..  
> Enjoy :3

„So, now it’s your turn for the second battle.“ The adult pair smiled cruelly. 

 

„You won't back out, or are you?“ Gintoki sneered.

„Huh? Watcha meaning? You think I can’t do something as trivial like share a kiss with my lover? You think I’m chickened out? Don’t underestimate me, Queen Kagura! Sougo, lets rock!“ 

 

Hijikata turns towards the perm head.

„Oi, Yoruzuya.. that doesn’t sound good.“ 

„Haha.. relax. She won’t do it. Surely not. She is a girl, after all. And Soda-kun also hates her guts.“  

-„It’s Sougo.“-

„No, Sougo will do it. He would marry her, if this leads to my downfall. Actually, I think he rather enjoys this more than it disgust him.“ 

„…?!“ 

„Eh? What? It was your shitty idea! You plot this, not me! You’re at fault if anything goes wrong!“ 

„No, no, no. I am certain, I said probably. In times like this, alway have a backdoor. Probably is the key of escape! Never forget the probably!“

 „Backdoor? What backdoor! We are fucking outdoors, you dumbass!“ 

„That was rhetorical speaking, you retard! Nicotine addict. Mayonnaise monster. Bastard!“ 

„OI! Now you are just insulting me! You didn’t even bother making an excuse, dickhead! Don’t try to distract me! You are so dead! I will hunt you! You will never be able to go in a sweetshop in Kabukicho in your whole life!“ 

 

Gintoki screams and recoils, wide eyes and a blush on his face. 

„Y-y-you w-wouldn’t … you wouldn’t dare!“ 

He smirks menacing letting all his frustration seep through his expression. 

„I would.“ 

„You Demon! You Monster! You INHUMAN BEING!“ Gintoki shouts and crunches over hauling himself back and forth while trying to calm down by counting strawberries. 

When he was by 214 the till now partly frozen teenagers began to move forward, gaining the immediate attention of anybody present. 

 

 

„Okay, China. Just a quick kiss, thats all. Nothing more. Then it will be our win, alright?“ Kagura nods nervously and shifts her weight. 

 

Is she really going to do this? 

Let this sadist bastard steal her beautiful first kiss? 

Let him invade into her personal space? 

Let him touch her? 

Let him kiss her? 

Is this really going to happen just because of a stupid bet? 

No! It isn’t stupid. 

If she endures it the promise of a spin off will make her forget this horrible action. 

She will get her own series! Her own Show!

Her own, where she can truly be the girly heroine, who can fall in love, have boyfriends and life problems. She will get a real house with a real family and a real lover. 

She has to endure this. 

It’s only a kiss. 

Nothing serious. Nothing she can’t manage. 

And It’s with Sougo. 

As much as she hates him she knows, she wouldn’t do it with anybody else. 

He won’t think of anything crazy, like she likes him or something 

-like totally hilarious! Who would like this Shinsengumi idiot!- 

and she knows, that he doesn’t like her, so everything is fine. 

It’s just a kiss.

 

 

„Okay.“ She exhales slowly and locks eyes with him. 

„Let’s do this.“ 

She catches a quick spark of surprise in his eyes -like what? He thought she wouldn’t have the guts? This bastard!- than he compose himself and leans in to peck her short on the lips. 

It was only a brief moment, and she actually didn’t feel much. 

Nonetheless she feels herself left blushing and a tingling sensation on her lips. 

 

 

„Oi, oi, Hijikata-kun~. Did you see that? What was that? Was that supposed to be a kiss? How laughable! And here I taught I would see at least a high school style kiss, but no.. apparently they are in grade school. Guess this is our win, right?“ 

„Well, why did we have our hopes up? They aren’t over 20 it’s only reasonable that they can’t kiss properly. Of course this means, no spin-off for you Sougo. Looks like your little kid fights with China are all you can handle. Don’t play with the adult stuff, brat.“ 

„Well said, Ougoshi, well said.“ 

Gintoki smirks and leans with one hand on Hijikata's shoulder. 

 

During their little speech Kagura’s head was now fully red, but with raging anger. 

She was fuming. 

She looks at Sougo and he looks at her. 

Their eyes locked.

They don’t need further words for communication. 

Their equal fury erased all their worries and embarrassment. 

With one quick step they were face to face again and crush their lips together. 

 

 

She closes her half lid eyes and gives in to the new feelings of warmth and something different. Something that resonates deeper and makes her grip his hair tighter.

His hair is surprisingly soft, she founds herself thinking as his tongue licks at her lower lip. 

Even though it was her first kiss, she still knew what she was supposed to do, so she hesitantly opened her lips for him. She gasps when their tongues met and soon they where dancing and fighting for dominance. 

Like usual, she thought. 

When they part, her whole face and ears are flushed hard and they are both panting heavily. 

He gave her a intriguing look and somehow she find herself soaked inside of his red rubies. 

His face narrowed again, but this time he nibbles her ears making her moan slightly. 

 

„China… Kagura, let’s go a step further. Don’t freak out, but if we want to win this, then we have to outdo them. They are stubborn, so now that we actually kissed, we have to make out a little bit. Because then, they as the ’adults’ -who are much longer together and have more experience than us- must go to the stage of dry sex to outdate us. So chill and go along with me. Alright?“ 

Her heart beats loud in her chest and she caught her breathing more rigid by the mention of making out, but she was no coward -and it definitely has nothing to do with the fact that some parts of her find it maybe a tiny bit exciting- and nods her head in agreement. 

 

 

 

Gintoki and Hijikata were frozen in blank horror. 

It was bad when they actual kissed.

It became worse when they had a french kiss. 

And now that they were touching and moaning and panting, it was a complete nightmare. 

 

 

They shuddered in unison as Sougo pulled her hair back, bending her backwards to nip and suck at her neck. He was rewarded with a high pitched moan and a sensual smile. 

They watched in complete silence denying to face reality. 

Then as the both of them finally broke apart, faces red and strangely content, the whole terror of the situation broke down on them. 

They had to do this as well. 

And if they don’t want to loose face, they had to make it better than them. 

Went further than them. 

Cold sweat erupts on their backs as the kids turn to them with a huge knowing grin on their faces. 

 

„Well, Hijikata, Danna, I am sure you're both bored to death by this underaged performance. You as proper adults, sure do things much more hotter than that, ne?“ 

Gintoki swallows hard and after a quick glance to the still frozen vice-commander he manages to answer semi-calm. 

 

„O-o-o-o-f c-course, w-we are adults after all, r-right Ogoushi-kun? T-this is nothing, nothing at all… ahaha.. right? Right?“ 

 

Oh god! Please god, if you ever loved me, please I beg you make me stop!! I can’t take it! I won’t do it! Make me stop!! Please! Anyone! I don’t want to kiss Mayora, hell no! And the least I want is to do more R18 stuff with him! PLEASE! HELP ME!!!!! HIJIKATA-KUN! Say something! Safe us! I beg you! I will give you 300 Yen! I will give you a free Mayobottle! I will give you a cigarette, please!

 

„Y-y-yes y-y-you said i-it, Y-y-y-ouruzuya.. a-a-as if we let us be s-scared by k-k-kids, …right, y-you sugar addict? …R-right?“ 

 

Oh MAYO! Please! Take it back! Take it back what I just said! I don’t mean it! You know that I don’t mean it! It is my ridiculous pride! I can’t say anything! PLEASE! I was a good believer! I offered every sunday one of my Mayo bottles! And didn’t I spare to kill Yamazaki several times, even though he really deserved it? So please, I beg you don’t make it come true! Stop me! Stop us! YOROZUYA! I will give you 300 Yen, okay? Just give up, swallow your pride and say you can’t! I will even buy you a parfait! I will go and buy you a freaking stock of them! So safe me!!

 

„H-haha.. w-w-who are you c-calling a-a s-sugar addict, y-you M-mayonnaise freak?“ 

 

NO! HIJIKATA! NO! DON’T DO THIS TO ME! YOU CAN DO IT! I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT! YOU ARE TREMBLING LIKE CRAZY! JUST SAY YOU DON’T WANT TO! JUST SWALLOW YOUR DAMN PRIDE! DO IT FOR THE TEAM, YOU HEAR ME? FOR THE THE FUCKING TEAM!! GIN-SAN DOESN’T WANT TO CROSS THIS ROAD! NO, NO HE DOESN’T! I AM NOT READY TO JOIN THE OTHER SIDE! I LIKE THIS RIVERSIDE FAIRLY WELL! SO GET A FUCKING GRIP AND SAY IT!

 

„H-h-how d-dare y-you insult h-holy Mayonnaise, y-you n-natural perm head. A-apologize.“

 

YES! APOLOGIZE! APOLOGIZE TO ME NOW! DAMN YOU! WHY AREN’T YOU SAYING IT? YOU ARE CLEARLY SHAKING! I CAN SEE IT! YOUR SMILE IS SO FUCKING FORCED! WHY DON’T YOU SAY IT! I DON’T WANT TO BECOME A MEMBER OF THIS PART OF SOCIETY! I HAVE A FUCKING REPUTATION TO HOLD UP, YOU JACKASS! NOW SUCK IT UP AND SAY IT!

 

 

„N-no, you apologize. Now, do it now, nicotine freak!“

„N-no, I said it first, you apologize. And hurry, d-damn it, you lazy ass!“

„No, you say it, you eat dog food so you say it!“

„NO! It is no dog food, and it was your idea, so you say it!“

„As if, I said probably! You can’t pin me down whit that!“

„No, you said it afterwards, when you realized we were doomed, that doesn’t count!“

„Of course it does! At least I did something for our victory! You were just standing silent, looking cool and hot, but not much more!“ 

„There is nothing wrong in calmly analyzing the situation to search for the best method! If you had the patience to wait till I am done, we haven't had this problem now!“ 

„What? So in the end it is my fault, because I didn’t wait for your lazy ass to get something done? I sure as hell don’t feel guilty if you are to damn slow to react!“ 

„You are twisting my fucking words, that’s not what I said! You don’t even listen to me now!“ 

„Of course not, because all you spout is bitching, bitching and surprise, more bitching!“ 

„Whoa, you-!“

 

 

„Well, well, Gin-chan, it looks as if the both of you are truly frightened~. For the sake of our old friendship I will go easy on you and let you give up now.“ Kagura smiles menacing. 

„If you apologize and say that you lost, that is.“ Sougo grins and casually snakes his arm around her waist. 

„Yes, Hijikata. Say it is our win, and we let you both go.“ 

 

 

Both men observed their children and then faced the other. 

A tiny tear left Gintoki’s eye and Hijikata swallows a sob. 

They mutual understood that there was no way out. 

Nobody was backing out, they simply couldn’t in front of their children and people who respected them. 

Today they will cross the line of no return. 

They will abandon the security and normality of a shounen manga and wander off towards the heavy waste land of shounen-ai. 

Their heads were swimming as they stepped towards each other, their minds drowning. 

 

 

It can’t be! Hijikata shouts as Gintoki’s hands slowly reached up to his cheek and cupped it. 

No way! Gintoki howls as Hijikata’s face tilts slightly to the right and narrows the distance.

Oh Mayo! Hijikata cries as Gintoki lay his lips on his and brushes them all to gentle.

Oh Sugar God! Gintoki whines as Hijikata part his lips and dips his tongue inside his hot mouth.

Shit! Hijikata wheezes as Gintoki twirls his tongue around his and sucks lightly on it.

Fuck! Gintoki gasps when their kiss got deeper and he buried his finger in Hijikata's silky black hair. 

 

 **Why does this feels so good?** They scream in their heads and break apart, gasping for air. 

 

 

No, no, no! Gin-san is a decent human being. He likes boobs, cute smiles, needy moans, and overall woman!

He can’t fall for this fairly good looking demonic vice-commander with his husky voice and ice blue eyes, his smoky scent and wonderful dry lips. NO.

Gin-san certainly can’t be attracted to him! No. No. NO FUCKING WAY!

 

 

Oi, Oi, OI! Hijikata! Get a grip! That isn’t what it looks like! No, it isn’t! You are too old to have this conversation now!

You definitely would have noticed! There is no way you didn’t notice! Right? He did listen to his body, right?

Well, of course he left the woman he loved, but that is no indication, right? Right? Right!!! ....Noooooooo! It can’t be! And not him!

Not this lazy dead fish eye good-for-nothing with his curly silver locks and burning red eyes, his sweet fragrance and oh so wonderful kissable soft red lips!

Wait. NO! GOD I HATE YOU!

 

They stared shocked at each other, unmoving. Their traumatic expression mirroring on the other expression. 

 

 

Till:

 „Oi, oi, what is this? You call that a kiss? That was the lousiest French kiss I did ever saw in my whole life, don’t you agree, Sougo?“ 

„Totally Kagura, totally. I would say, you try it again, and this time for real or you lost.“ 

A jolt rides through Gintoki's body and he shots them an angry look. 

„Oi, don’t try to copy us! And aren’t you ashamed? We are both guys, it’s only normal to be reluctant in front of other. Don’t you watch television? It is full of all this racism these days! Don’t mob us ya know? We are the poor minority.“ 

„Yeah!“ Hijikata finally snaps back „keep your dirty thought to yourself!“ 

„Nothing of this changes anything. Do it or not. Your choice.“ he smirks. „But I bet you wimp out.“

„Tch. Yorozuya don’t let yourself be provocate-“

 

 

He got interrupted by a pair of hot and demanding lips that forced themselves upon him. He doesn’t even have time to react till Gintoki's tongue intervenes with his own. 

But this time he is dominant and pushes him back, forcing him into submission. 

His heart beats like crazy and he can hear the blood in his ears as the other mans left hand wanders towards his hip. 

He tries to get away but Gintoki’s iron grip on him didn’t waver. The silver head presses himself more into him and he can’t choke down the moan that erupts from the back of his throat. 

He found himself willingly welcoming his tongue, his warm and hard body rubbing against his. 

He found himself enjoying the thrill of being drawback. Until certain fingers tug a bit too forceful on his hair. 

If the idiot thought he can do what he want, than he would teach him a good lesson now! 

 

He crashes his teeth on his lower lip down. Hard. Gintoki shouts and pulls away, lips bleeding. 

Wide eyes he stutters furiously. „W-what the fuck?“ 

The Vice-Commander smirks and licks the blood from his lips. 

„Sorry.“ He soughs tempting and gives him a alluring look under his fringe. 

„Couldn’t help myself.“ 

The pupils of the silver haired man grew wide before his eyes narrow and he licks his lips as well. He crooks his head a tiny bit, making his curls fall over his eyes. 

He blinked and the raven head was all over him. 

 

 

His fingers shove the disturbing fabric out of the way and his cold hands wander across his belly, engulfing in the warm flesh, while kissing him non-stop.

He dipped his digest into the navel and baths in the seductively moans which escapes the samurais mouth. He pulls away and licks his jaw down till he nibbles on his ear, being rewarded with a deeper groan.

Then suddenly were Gintoki's lips on his collarbone and he can’t control the shudder that overcame him. 

A second later he screams when the perm head bites him in the crook of his neck. Hard.

He licks over the injury and then bites again, leaving Hijikata in clinging at his broad shoulders unable to grasp the complex emotions of pain and desire. 

He couldn’t handle this strange attraction, couldn’t do anything than gasp and give needy moans letting himself be completely swayed.

Gintoki was on the task, never stopping even once. 

He was devouring him. 

 

 

Nails scraping over his nipples he tilted his head, briefly wondering where his shirt has gone to -not that he cared- but the thought was soon dismissed, as a hot mouth follows the nails right away. He plays with the hurting hard nipples, sucking on it and twisting on the other one. 

Hijikata grips his hair tightly, tugging on the soft strands while gazing at the sight beneath him. This unknown fire inside of him has taken control, urging him to do more, deeper, intenser, _harder_. 

He pulls the perms head away, their lust shrouded eyes meeting fleetingly, and dives in for another wet kiss, demanding everything from his partner. 

He responded oh so well, gives him what he needs and holds him tight in his arms, slowly pushing one of his legs between his and using enough force to make him tremble and groan of pleasure. 

 

 

Gintoki lost it, after hearing Hijikata’s needy noises and his slutty body pressing into him even more, making him feel his hard one at his tight. 

The outside didn’t matter at this point. In fact, he really could care less what the rest of the world thought about them. 

Actually he momentarily really doesn’t quite remember were they were, and for all he knows the observer could go fuck themselves, because he as sure as hell was not stopping soon. 

The only remarkable not perverted questing wandering through his mind was, why the fuck they needed to wait till the end of the whole series, to get that they fucking want each other.

And maybe, just maybe, they have something stronger that connects them. 

A certain feeling, he wouldn’t dare to call it by name. 

A subconscious mutual understanding, that could -maybe- last as long as they lived.

 

 

 

Two teenage kids watched in silence how adult R18 stuff develops in front of their eyes.

„Well“ Kagura said blankly „I don’t know if this count as _dry_ sex anymore.“ 

„Well“ Sougo adds „I don’t think that matters anymore.“ 

With this he turns her head towards him, gives her the sweetest smile, that made her stomach flip and her face go red, and kiss her passionately. 

Her answer was in no way inferior to his stormy feelings and when his hands grope her ass she immediately let herself be lifted and wrap her legs around his waist, while her arms slung strongly around his head. 

 

The two men have in between met a wall, and the currently half naked demonic vice-commander was pressed against it, his legs open for the intruding samurai.

Grabbing and squeezing onto the lazy man with all his being never intending to let him go again.

Gintoki’s arms holding the black haired man securely, promising his protection and love. 

 

 

The remaining audience observed the two couples making out in the open streets without a care in the world.

 A teary Kondo-san who couldn’t believe that his two sons got lucky while his ‚wife‘ just doesn’t let him near her. 

A melancholic and angry Otae who can’t believe that her to-be-sprout is actually gay and her girl Kagura managed to find her love before even being her age. 

„Guess she is the heroine after all.“

And a boring straight man who truly feels happy about his two companions, who found their luck-

„As if! I’m the only on alone here! What the fuck? Can’t I get a girl? Please just once! Just once let me think I am a important character! Please author-san, I don’t want to be lonely!“ 

He whines tears streaming down his face. 

After a while of no reaction, he huffs and gather himself as the strong glasses with a human he is and watches his family proudly. 

„Just so you know, there isn’t going to be a spin-off for either off you!“

 As nobody listens he mumbles to himself: 

„Guess there is a grain of truth in shipping pairings after all.“

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END!  
> So .. how was it? Satisfied with the ending? ( I personally rather like the ending with shinpachi I really like writing him)  
> The outcome? The kiss? The dry sex?^^  
> And btw. I hope in english there exists the meaning dry sex (because in german is) so if not I would appreciate it, if somebody could tell me :)) (actually that counts for all my mistakes, mainly in false meaning, I am after all still learning and eager to improve :))  
> Would love to hear your opinion :D  
> And see you hopefully in my next fic (even though it will probably take some time because I am currently in a totally new Death Note Epic- Phase (the third time -_-') and yeah.. now that the anime has ended for a year... kinda unmotivated.. Anybody feels the same way? O.o)  
> But, anyway thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed and by.


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